There's something amazingly therapeutic--comforting about writing. I always put it off because sometimes I think of it as a hassle but when I really get around to it, I can't stop.

It's different from essay writing, free writing. It is so much fun and so much of me comes out into it. Of course, it's probably a whole lot less interesting and less structured or whatever but I really like reading the crap I write a lot later on. Sometimes I even surprise myself with something good.

Anyway, what was all that crap I was planning on writing now? Shit.

Well yeah, today I was walking down the steps of the backdoor out of Hijinx, carrying some huge boxes I was getting ready to flatten and dump into the dumpster and I was thinking about how I would remember this moment, how I would remember this entire summer. If I was to write my memoirs later in life, what would I be able to write about "my sixteenth summer?" Sixteen...it's supposed to be that one, shining moment of youth, of being a teenager, sexy, carefree, stupid. Standing on the edge of losing it all to the seriousness of adulthood. And how am I spending my precious sixteenth summer? Working at a comic shop--not bad. A dream I've had. Lying to my equally evil boyfriend. Who I'm beginning to resent more and more. Going on dates with a dreamy asian guy (gasp!) Dreaming about holding Brandon while Greg watches at night. Throwing parties that will probably fail, hanging with Kathy, and already my summer is looking quite perilous. Only 15 more days to go, and have I really accomplished anything? Will my sixteenth summer have been a success? A stupid, carefree, happy success? I guess so, I mean I've had a lot of fun. Maybe I will look back on it all nonstalgically.

And even if I don't, I guess there's always the seventeenth summer. That's less cliche and more risque, right?

Greg (the asshole--god, he bugs me more and more) said that writing nonstop for 5 or 10 minutes is a good way to get your brain out of the way and have good ideas flowing; I think that sounds pretty good and a lot like what I do, maybe. Sometimes it's very planned out. I have the entire entry scripted in my head before I sit down. Sometimes I gush. Which is really evident in the way I'll say "Duh" or "irreversibly" or some random word 800 times in one paragraph. Enh.

Anyway, so maybe I should write about my camping trip with Ali. It was a long and arduous ride...her father is about the shittiest breaker in the nation so fifteen minutes in I already wanted to vomit due to his violent stop and go nature. And there was traffic. Oh...so after swallowing my water tentatively and forcing down my bile we reached the campsite. Me and Ali almost immediately floundered off to teh ebach (it was around 3) and stayed until maybe 5:30. it was a lot of fun... we walked the length of the beach, which was probably about a mile and a half or so. We found dead animals and chased gulls and ate food and--

none of this is important.

What is important is what happened that night. That night, me and Ai were trying to be as anti-social as possible and not converse with any of the weird, gay asian FOBS who kept trying to talk to us. Fortunately, some more mature kids, older guys (not anoying girls) came over and started chilling with us. One of these guys' names was Marcus. The second I saw him and his brother, I noted that they were kind of cute. And as conversation got more entertaining, I started getting more outgoing until I was pretty much my loud, brash and very honest self. And I guess something about that Marcus liked, because he made a rum and coke, and sat next to me so we could share it. We sat closer and closer and started flirting--just a little. For a second, everyone at our table left us alone. That was awkward...but nice. I can almost always sense when a guy is attracted to me, and Marcus was beaming. So after he leaned into me becaues Minh next to him was geting piss drunk, I took a chance and put my head on hs shoulder. He responded by putting his arm around me and keeping it there through the night.

we went to our tents at 3.

At 3:30, I got up and tried to get Ali to come with me to his tent and ask the guys if they wanted to hang out at the beach at night. It would have been so much fun. I regret it sooo much.

marcus has asked me that night to hang out with him at the beach the enext day but we were alls o busy it didn't happen. Before we left, I got his SN and he gave me a jhug. It felt good.

Today he asked me to go to Haight and Ashbury with him tomorrow. I agreed.

!!!! what do i do.

foomanchu too: so anyway I think I'm totally fucking up my relationship, and everything just seems to be going donwhill and I have a date for tomorrow and I just feel like a train wreck

foomanchu too: you know?

foomanchu too: nah...

foomanchu too: its times like this i wish I had a cool mom. or mother figure. or something. you know? i don't even really have girl friends.

foomanchu too: im so confused

foomanchu too: and you are so totally not reading this. ooookay.

foomanchu too: most of the time I'm glad I don't have anyone tying me down

foomanchu too: but sometimes i really want one.

I guess that sort of sums up my feelings. Haight and Ashbury though!! And he offered, I didn't suggest!!! I can't believe how awesome he was.

WHAT WILL I WEAR???

Yeah, and then there's the incubus concert last night. It was great seeing a band I adored for so long so up close. I was in the second row and beating against this horrible white chick through msot of the show. Sparta was a great opening act. Their drummer's thumb was broken so Jose and the Roots guy subbed, doing a pretty shiznit job judging by the look on the drummr's face, who sat behind the kit, coaching them. AND I GOT A PICK FROM MIKEY who is my favorite incubus member by far, because he's cute and smiles and quiet and oooh! I heart Mikey. and it's signed by him! and it's used!!! Ohhhh Mikey. You are my favorite guitar player EVER.

Kathy slept over at my place afterwards it was fun.... OHHH my emotions are just so exhausted, that I have to stop this entry. I'm getting fucking retarded.