well its sort of just the happy fun times public diary but its on www.avoue.blogspot.com..

I was so depressed that night that I wrote about suicide. I was just lying around alone in my bed and feeling utterly and completely lonely. I always feel so threatened when I'm alone. I think I'm going to get stabbed or something. I always think that there's murderers and robbers coming to get me so I never walk downstairs at night in my house. I'm never afraid if there's someone else there, but when I'm alone I'm sure they'll come in the door and stab me.

I think if I became a movie star I'd be like Anna Nicole Smith or Tom Cruise because I'd be so attention hungry and I'd feed off of it like an animal. I'm comforted when I'm around a lot of people, but mostly when I'm around people who are paying attention to me. I feel even more threatened than ever when i'm around others who are ignoring me. It's tremendously embarrassing. I'd rather get stabbed than be alone in a roomful of people.