:Last night I felt really good.I watched the last episode of Six Feet Under and it changed me.

I used to watch six feet under all the fucking time but I haven't in years. I haven't really since we moved/ since my dad moved out because i'm always too frightened to watch it now. Big, empty dakr house and dead bodies popping up always makes me feel really eerie and next thing I know I'm afraid to climb the stairs. Plus it makes me depressed. But I still in my heart loved it and when I saw it on HBO I'd go "oo" and watch it for a couple minutes just to get an idea of what was going on.

Anyway, my favorite character was always, of course, Claire. Claire was me. She was totally fucked up. She hated her family. She hated her parents. One of them was gone and the other one was a psycho. She loved art, but she didn't believe she was good enough--at that, or anything. She didn't have any idea of what to do with her life and was basically pissed off at the world most of the time.

Of course I loved Claire. I am Claire.

Last night's montage, however..with Claire driving to her destiny: out there where there was no job, no security, no foundation, just a big, scary city with plenty of opportunities of promise and failure. And everyone dying around her, things yet to come.. it made me feel really amazing. She'd finally gotten the balls to just up and go, do it, change something about her life. And she succeeded. I mean, she lived to be 100 and maybe life wasn't always perfect for her, but it worked out. She managed, she did okay, she wound up happy. And that's it, right? That's the most important thing. To die with a smile on your face knowing that one day you got in a car and drove over a cliff and found yourself in a big pit of marshmallows.

I mean, how ironic that a show about dying would be the one thing to finally convince me to live.

Before nothing could cheer me up and no-one could convince me life was worth living. I mean, my friends could make me feel better temporarily but most of the time they'd make me more depressed about this kind of thing. They were in this muck just as deep as me. Their success was not gauranteed. And anyway, they were the main cause of the damn dilemma: I was scared--okay, I still am scared--mainly because I'm afraid of losing them. Every time Katherine or Greg makes me laugh it's just a reminder of what I would be missing without them.

So Claire made it better. She'd made it. She was me. WE'd been through a lot of shit and maybe we don't know what the fuck we're going to do but it's going to be okay in the end. And who did Claire have? A bunch of psycho deadbeat boyfriends? A half-insane mother? Asshole brothers who thought she was more of a pain than anything else? She sure as hell didn't have anyone on her side rooting her on. She made it there ON HER OWN.

So yeah, I lvoe Greg and I love Kathy. But I've figured out--you know what? it's okay if one of them leaves, or both of them leave. I mean, I'll be sad about it, sure, I don't want them to--I'm just saying, it's no reason to die. It's not the end of the world. It's such a small thing, the falling out of a friend, in the great scheme of things. It happens a million times a day. But a million times a day friends are made. There's 60 billion other people out there who are just itching to meet me. There's 60 billion other possibilities lying ahead. It's time for me to jump into my Prius and drive off a cliff and see where it'll take me.

i saw l'auberge espagnol the other day too. a coincidence? a sign?