I'd like to think that I'm different from all those other valley girls and stuff, but to tell the truth, I don't think I am.

I mean... I AM different. I know that much. I don't read Seventeen, I don't wear Abercrombie, I don't listen to Good Charlotte, and I'd like to think that I'm somewhat less shallow than them... and that I don't talk really like them... and that my conversational skills happen to be a little better...

But I AM shallow. Really, I'm no better than they are.

One big flaw I noticed: they always mention this problem everywhere: "Most people just wait for their turn to talk, instead of really listening what this person has to say." I do! I do! I confess....

And it used to be pretty different... back when I wasin my "depressed goth" stage, i was really different. I was so happy being alone, and upset, and I was in my own little world. I was nothing like those valley girls, really, I was in this whole other spaced-out category. But this year, since Kathy left, I needed to extend my circle. I couldn't just be a loner forever. And so I got more social. To the point where I'm practically popular. I'm more of like a social butterfly, I don't have a specific group which I hang around with all the time. And I guess I kind of improved my skills with interacting with people.. or at least tried reaching out to different people. I think maybe it's because I opened my mind. Like before, I just blocked out all these people; I couldn't imagine ever associating with them. eIther because their social status was too high for me, or I saw them as valley-bitches. Now, I kind of humanize people. They're all just people. I'm not saying I don't put labels on some people still, and loathe them despite all, but not as many. For example, how would I ever have started talking to Greg and Daniel if I'd put them on that high "popular" or "junior" pedestal? I'm so glad I brought them down.

On the other hand, there is a downside. I've changed. It's kind of weird... like I don't like sitting by myself for long periods of time anymore. I gotta get out. I think I've kind of abandoned some of the morals I used to have, as well. Not morals... just.. Shit I can't think of the appropriate word. But like talking and gossiping and yapping about fashion and clothes and boys and stuff.... things I promised myself I wouldn't do. I've caught myself doing some valley-girl talking. But I'm not being fake. That's one thing I absolutely for sure know I will never do. Is be fake. Kid myself. Tell something I like something when I don't, just to fit in. No way.

And one last thing... I just noticed it the other day. I never look at the stars anymore. It's not entirely my fault. I remember when I had depression, whenever I was feeling really suicidal and miserable and horrible like you couldn't even imageine, I'd walk to the park. At 2 or 3 AM, preferrably, when I knew there would be no cars or people whatsoever. There's a large, round stone bench there... and I used to lie on it and just stare at the sky. And suddenly, everything seemed just a little better. I'd think about how small I was, and how big the universe was, and the magnonimity of it, and my problems just seemed smaller. And that reminded me that how could I kill myself, when life...when the world could sometimes be so beautiful?

What I wouldn't give to be able to do that again... but in these apartments.. you can't see the stars. Believe me, I've tried, it's too well lit here. And I couldn't go out if I wanted that late at night... there'd always be people out, cuz this is the ghetto... and dangerous people on top of it all. What I wouldn't give to look out of my window and hear that comforting hum of the pool cleaner and the dingle of ice cream trucks and the cars far, far away on the freeway, and birds. Oh, I miss birds. And to feel the wind blowing on my face while I typed on my computer (no wind, no window), and to be able to look at the sky and the beautiful hills... I used to just sit and look out of my window for hours, read next to it or just lie on my bed. It was the best, most comforting feeling in the world. After a long day? The noises.. the scents.. the sounds...

I hate to live in the past. I should be over it. But I can't help but feel some horrible fear that I won't ever be able to experience that again.

Whenever the weather's nice here, and the sun warms my skin and the wind blows in my hair I feel a little tiny bit of that sense I used to get, and everything seems good for a little while. I'm so glad spring is here. No matter how hard my day, it makes me feel a little better.

Ms. Kennett asked me to paint her baby's room for her. A Charlie Brown theme, she said. And though it goes against all my values... I could use the money. $300.

I start Driver's Ed this weekend.

I think I should tell Trung I'll go with him. I mean... it wouldn't kill me or anything, right? .

i worry sometimes, when I'm sitting talking to Greg I wonder if he likes me. And I wonder, if he does, why? Why? I'm not pretty, I'm not particularly smart or funny. AM I different in some way? I can't see that way, but I'd like to believe that it's there. But then I remember maybe he doesn't like me after all, and I shut myself up.

You know, I am different. At least a little bit. Lisa just told me the other day, something along the lines of "You're the least asian asian I know." Like i wasn't a fob. Not one of them. I can associate with them but it's comforting that I'm not really turning into one. It's comforting that I'm keeping at least a little bit of myself.