Oh, my. I just read my diary again.

I used to hate reading that diary I really did but I don't really...I realized something when I was reading it... sure, it's got all this stuff about how much i hate life but when I think about it, I was going through a lot. A LOT. And it was really hard! And the entries get progressively more optimistic and better and crawling-to-the light like until I finally got this account. And it just makes me kind of proud, actually.

I was really angry at certain-messed up stages of my life but it doesn't mean Dustin can always have that opinion of me. I mean, he's changed and I see that. Hasn't he been around me enough the past few weeks to make some assessments about my personality? I mean really. Everything is "Hey, for once Stephanie won't be mad at me!" and "Wow don't get MAD Stephanie" and "Hey, Stephanie's not angry" like it's som sort of fucking miracle, and I know I sound like a hypocrite getting upset about me but it's not fair to judge me like that.

Is Dustin copying me? I mean, it could be perfect coincidence but less than 2 days after I wrote my rant on "i love the stars, they remind me life is beautiful, i love life" he writes "I love the sunrise, they remind me life is beautiful, i love life". Pretty scary coincidence.

I'm sorry, I'm kind of ticked.

I'm gonna rant about Greg some more because... well.... like I told Dustin, it's my diary, and I should be able to rant about WHAT I want, WHENEVER I want. He writes 3 times a day, I should be able to whenever I fucking want to and I don't care who reads it. Including me. HA! I cracked up the other day, during that week Greg was ignoring me? I went back a few entries to my first Greg-loving ones where I said, "I will regret this in a few month's time and hate him and think 'what an utter fool i was'". OH! I know myself WAY too well. That's the only thing that keeps me from ranting about him too much, is the fact that I know I'll regret it when I read back. It took practically a year to be able to read my Brandon-ranting entries. They're funny, now, though.

Anyway.... I'm beginning to really loathe myself for liking him. Because I know I'm going to way far overboard with it. I'm falling way too far head over heels and it just isn't healthy. Not at all... he knows it won't work. I know it won't work. It'll never happen. Ever. Just get that into your thick, stupid skull.

But I can't. I've fallen and I can't get up. I mean, LOOKAT ME!

I'm staying here online staring at the screen until 10 just waiting for him to sign on! Is that crazy or what?

He kept nudging my skirt today and Daniel said, "Better quit trying, you don't have a mirror on your shoe," and he said, "too bad." I think I misinterpret their stupid talk way too much.

I hate him and am loving him at the same time. It's crazy, and I'm going insane. I wish I could just get over him but I hate to admit that I enjoy it. it's like that love and rocket's book with Maggie. How does it go? 'the kind of love where you want to shoot him to bits, but only if he'll cut you into tiny, bite-sized pieces. That's how I feel.

Ben touched my arm today and it meant a lot to me because I was beginning to think Ben and Reinier really loathed my company. But at the zoo today, they were lookig at the manimals and I was looking away, and Ben came up to me and grabbed my arm and brought me over, saying, "Come on! you've got to see this!" And I don't really think someone who really dislikes someone else's company would do that, right?

I'm tired.