I don't need an analyst because I know exactly what's wrong with me.

There are a lot of terrible analogies for jealousy, this I know. It's evil! It's terrible, it's destructive. But I read one the other day that I completely agree with.

Jealousy is love.

After all, why SHOULD you have to share your beloved with everybody, or anybody else? You're the one who worked hard to get him, and spent money on him, and did projects for him, and wrote poems for him, and pursued him for 9 months, and spent sleepless nights over him and dreamed about him and wrote about him and cried about him and laughed with him and stared at the phone for him and pounded and bit and spat and ripped out your heart for him and gave it to him in a superbly wrapped box, so why SHOULD you have to share him??

Anyway, as anyone would know I am entirely too jealous of Oanh. He has reassured me time after time to stop reading into things so much and that he doesn't like her at all but I've spent too many nights sobbing over why he must like her more than me. Why do I do this?

Like I said, I am my own analyst. All they do is look at your past and see what events are there that somehow made some fat impact on building who you are now, right? It's a good thing I have come to terms with everything there or I really might be genuinely screwed up. So I take it, I guess, as a fear of losing someone/ fear of not being good enough! Right! Totally on the dot. Trouble is, understanding the problem doesn't make it any easier to bear.

Well all through my childhood I was always told that I was never ever good enough and that I was ugly and crappy. And then all thorugh my childhood all these kids always told me I was ugly and crappy, always a teacher's pet, a nerd, horrible, disgusting and when all my friends around me were shyly pecking tiny hairless guys I was left untouched, gross as I was. Then of course there's the leaving issue. So what if every group of friends I'd ever had up to the 8th grade at one point got totally sick of me and ditched me? In the process going through pains as to having me jumped, tossing me into dumpsters, teasing me a whole lot and just outright saying I'd gotten annoying and stupid? That was OK. I could deal with that. But then there's that whole thing with, like, my mother even leaving me without ever looking back or giving half a shit about my well-being. There's that. And then everybody in my life who cared about me left. I mean, my first boyfriend was so embarrassed about me that he told his buddies that we were "just friends." Then my beloved 8th grade/frosh group dumps me for Norissa and Jenny, who are hotter and all of them eventually progress to fuck/finger. And then my best friend moves away. Of course she still loves me, but she left me, didn't she? So you put all of that together into some kid's life and you're going to wind up with one seriously emotionally unstable person! I'm lucky that I'm not completely insane. I'm only SLIGHTLY incapacitated.

So, right. That, obviously, is where my low self-esteem comes from. And the fear that one day, some day soon, maybe even currently, the people that I love are going to start getting annoyed and fed up with me and they are going to leave me now now now now now. NOt that they ever liked me in the first place, of course. They "settled." I even was convinced Kathy was like that until she moved away and we found out how much we really love and need each other. And then I wasn't worried about her hating me anymore. But it was kind of too late, seeing as she was 1000 miles away and all.

So now Greg is going to Davis, which is, oh, three hours away. And he is going with Oanh. I think that this knowledge is somehow triggering a panic mechanism or something in my brain because the past few days, all I can think about is OanhOanhOanhOanhOanh and the same line keeps repeating over and over and over in my head, "She broke my heart," "she broke my heart," "she broke my heart." Why the hell did he have to complain last year about her to me?! WHy me?! Anyway, at this point I'm completely convinced that he is going to dump me to fuck her and we are going to break up by the end of the summer or if not, two months into the school year and I'll lose him forever. And even if this isn't true, I'll be fretting about it until then which makes me a total nutjob and completely fucked up...jesus!

Anytime I see her in school now I just want to tackle her to the floor and punch her face in until she's dead. Every time she passes in front of us I watch his eyes to see if they're going towards her bum. Every time school ends I rush over to his locker to make sure he doesn't walk to his car with her.

I don't want to be the Irene in this Winter Dreams story. But even Judy Jones jitled him in the end. Can't he see that? He should never have left Irene. Geez, I don't want to be the girl that he's with that's standing in the way of some true unbounded love between them, just the filler, the settler, the useless rag doll that he clings to in lieu of what he really wants, and discovers in the end, leaving the girl completely...screwed. There's always the girl, you've seen her everywhere. Six feet Under, for isntance. Nate's wife. Precisely. And in Queer as Folk! Justin's violist boy. Exactly! And even if I am not her, my stupid fucked up messed up crazy mind will not cease to make me believe that I am, I am, I am!!!!

Why can't I shut all the voices in my head up??

What am I going to do?