I think that I think too much. Thinking too much really makes you depressed.

I think that's why so many great writers and great men have been crazy drunkards or depressed or killed themselves. Because writers, after all, are the thinkers of society. I'm not saying I'm a great writer. I'm just saying I think too much.

Poor F. Scott Fitzgerald. The Great Gatsby is so sad. Good and sad. I'm sure he thought a lot. He went out and drunk a lot. I bet he hated it the whole time.

All my entries are, like, sad and angsty and Conor Obersty now and complainy and with all kinds of crazy introspective crap. Oh god, I hope nobody ever reads these. I'd look like such a hypocrite. I don't think I could ever tell these things to anybody though I really wish I could. Maybe the only person I could tell would be Dustin. He seems to be just as good a thinker, and just as depressed a person as me. But he goes overboard with the crazy poems and staying up and all. Dustin is me 2 years ago and I always want to help him but I get fed up because he is being too stubborn and idiotic just like me.

I think I'm tired of being helpless. I'm always the last to find out about things and I really hate it. Everyone always saying things and me finding out in some horrid surprise later. I didn't used to care about people talking shit about me this much (i expected it) but things have really started to build up on me. I have had kind of a really shitty life. The past few years have been okay, but before that, I think my life was pure shit. You wouldn't have seen it, nobody did. You think that just because somebody is this overprotected, smart little nerdy asian girl that that's it. So okay, she's a little nerd that gets beat by her mom...there's a lot of that. It sucks, right sure, but there's a lot of it.

But then again even the nerdy asians have their nerdy asian friends and I would just like to know, I would like to know what I ever did to deserve being alone all my life. Okay, I admit it and I have said it all these times before that I was stupid but how could I have known better? It's not like my mom really gave me much exposure to the whole...social thing. It's not like anyone could have taught me to be mature or cool or anything. It's not my fault I was a nerdy little wacko. It really wasn't! What was I supposed to do?? THat's the way I was brought up. I just didn't know any better. I couldn't help it. Just tell me why everyone had to be so mean to me for all that long time? Yeah, I din't get it, I didn't get how to be like everybody else, isn't that punishment enough? And then you have to go and make fun of me and tease me and bring me down until I'm nothing and keep all those secrets behind my back, like as if I'd never find out. like as if I'd never find out who was cussing me out online or anything like that or what they were saying about me; it's not fair.

And why, who gives them the right to be able to hide the fact that my dad was her second husband, who gives you the right to not tell me I have a sister until I'm 14 years old? Isn't that messed up? isn't it unfair? SHouldn't I have been able to make a bigger deal about it than this? I have no desire to find her...I dont really care about her or anything...it's just the fact that nobody EVER TELLS ME ANYTHING!!!! Why???? Why does everybody always just NOT TELL ME ANYTHING? From brandon to my parents to everybody else, why can't they just tell me, it would take 2 mintues, it's not fair! What about Tiffany? Do you know how fucked up I was after I found out that she hadn't been just my best friend all that time; that her mom had PAID my mom to babysit her and the whole time she hated my guts? THe memories of her and me playing compose like the entire social contact of my childhood and the spent the whole rest of it alone and the only contact i had the kid totally hated me and was only obligated to sit with me like Ramona in a Beverly Cleary novel? And how come nobody told me I was going to move to this house? And how come BRandon never told me he got with Christina? And pepole wonder why I'm constantly paranoid about getting people's trust or hanging around people or anything or if anybody likes me...I know it's a big fat common excuse, and I loathe myself for using it but jesus christ!!!

What do you expect a person to do when they've had a crap crap crap upbringing like that??

I am so so so scared all the time that somebody is going to leave me. I come up with horrible scenarios and I cry all the time now for dead people who aren't even really dead. CAn you imagine how crazy that is? I'm sitting their sobbing on my bed just IMAGINING that Kathy or Greg is dead, but they're not, they'r alive and happy go lucky and I know it but I"m sobbing anyway? And Greg wonders why I get so jealous of everbody. I'm just scared I"m going to lose him. THat's all.

I just have one question for this whole world: Why do you always have to treat me like shit?

Hey, life: what's in it for me? I swear to god if I lose one more person I know I'll go nuts, so I'll kill myself first.

I hate myself for this entry and I hate this psychoanalyzing and I hate blaming my childhood and I hate myself for everything I do. What's wrong with me?