if you really want to know the truth I'm totally miserable here. Every day is torture for me and it's hard to try to look people you considered your friends at one time in the eye and see them try to avoid you. I cry myself to sleep every single night and I feel more alone than i ever have in my entire life.

Even if my day was all right, I am always miserable at night. i dont know why, but I think it's because it's the time of day when I am most alone and I really hate being alone.

I'm not sure what to do at all. The only thing I am sure of is that I want to die, but I am too chickenshit to do it. More than anything I wish I could end it all, though. I don't really see any reason to go on. I've lost all faith in my future because I hate myself so much.

I know it sounds very angsty and you will try to write back comforting me telling me you like me still but I know you feel the same way and it's really the shits.

My dad goes on all kinds of dates too but he tries to lie to me about where he's going out and who with. Truth is he's gone back with that awful woman Thuy. Her voice is terribly annoying and she's taken to calling the house. I want to run away. She is an awful, awful vietnamese woman with the worst accent ever. It's really mean spirited and pathetic for him to lie. And then there is the thing that he did the other day that made it so I will not even talk to him.

I don't think I'm doing so good in school. When I get home I don't want to do work, all I want to do is go to sleep forever.

i think I should break up with Greg. I know you won't forget about me, but I am sure that he will forget about me and I am sure that things will only get worse. It is so hard to maintain a long distance relationship. how can it work if it already is getting so hard? Things were so nice when I had him but I'm sure they will never be as nice ever again. It's already started. He tries to shorten the conversation more every night until we hardly talk and tonight I called him once at 10 and again at midnight and he was in the middle of some wild party with everybody screaming in the background. He did not say he would call me back. He did not take the time to leave the room to talk to me for three seconds and I would have for him. I think he must have been fucking some girl or something.

I think I should end it before it gets really bad.

It's hard to find things that are good in my life anymore. I am very very scared and no matter what I can't get less scared. I'm trying really really hard and I tried hard all this week. You have no idea how long it was. I have been trying so hard ever since school started just to get through the day but it's so hard, kathy I don't know what to do. I've tried hard to focus on the good things and to be hopeful and to work hard but I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. This is really horrible.

Nothing anybody says comforts me anymore, and I can't believe it when they say that it'll get better. people have been telling me it will get better for four years but to me it only gets worse.

I just don't know what to do anymore. it must be just as bad for you. What are we going to do?