Yet another book, like clumsy: blankets. lost love... I'm sick of reading about that sort of stuff. I don't like to ever think about losing Greg. I know I couldn't do it. I wouldn't bear it. I do'nt know what I would do. I would fall down dead. Life would be impossible. I can't lose another person, not another one. I've had enough.

It scares me, how my life hangs in such a terrible balance. I am a spider on a thread and there is always, always a pair of scissors flicking violently near my thread. What could happen if I left one more person? I wouldn't even be able to open my eyes to one more day. I would lie down and stop breathing for ever. But I am going to lose someone sooner or later; this is the way life goes. I dread it. I never want to cry over another man ever again besides him.

I watched this photo essay on this guy and his wife that had been married for like 70 years and now here they ewre 90 sometihng and she died. What the hell do you do when the only thing you have left in the entire world dies just like that and you don't have anything left...not even your body and barely even your sanity? What can you do? If I were him I would have just jumped off a cliff the next day. I don't want to get old. How awful would it be to watch someone you loved so much slowly forget your name?

I get pissed when I see those stupid azns try to define love in their goddamn aim profiles and xangas. like crystal, she acts like she is the love doctor herself, like she knows everything about it. But christ, what does she know about love? she hasn't even so much as held rajiv's hand for christ's sake and her relationship with davis was such a sham. Thinking of that beautiful 90 year old couple I guess it's quite clear that I am no expert either but come on, you know? jesus christ

i am thinking i should go to davis because there is what makes me happy i dont love anything else. it is the only thing i am sure of. I am not sure what I want to do or what I want to draw or what I want to write or what I want to smoke or where I want to live, all I know for sure is I want to love this boy.

i would forego heaven for you.

I need this, i need this

My father is heartless; heartless.

Today was sort of terrible. I felt like everyone around me hated me. granted, I absolutely can't stand Maggie but when I sat next to her today she started grumbling something like "I hate school," in this really strange way that made me think, "That stupid fool, what the hell is she talking to herself about?" and then I was pissed when she got up in a hurry and left in an obvious I hate-you way. I mean, given what I thought I have no right to feel she should have acted otherwise, but still. Huy also left me a cruel message and it sort of feels like the world is falling down piece-by-piece around me. Lisa and them were okay nice to me. I let them all wear these public service announcement buttons and i guess they liked them okay. It seems like carrying on conversations with people around me is getting harder and harder every day. I don't know what to say to them. I kind of just want to yell at all of them for things they haven't done.

Should I even go to college it feels like at this point all I'm going to do is flunk out. I sort of want to take one of those break years to recuperate. I sort of just want to die and rise again all refreshed like a phoenix. But on the other hand I sort of want to get college over with and start making money to support myself.

I sort of just can't wait to never see any of these people's faces ever again. I never want to ever meet them or IM them or talk to them or anything, ever, ever, ever again. A month and a half seems like eternity.

this entry is the same as any other I write regarding this subject, but no matter how many times I say it, it doesn't make things any better

live for me