I don�t know whether to go to UC Santa Cruz or Davis. Or rather, I do know, and am struggling with telling myself that it is the right choice. There isn�t anything for me in Davis besides Greg, but sometimes I wonder if that is the most important thing. What is most valuable for my life? What do I want? What makes me happy? Not money so much. I see it as a burden, as a lifeline to keep going a little while longer that must be calculated and kept with care. Not work, not writing for the newspaper. Trying to come up with hilarious gags could possibly be the most depressing thing ever, and the loss of passion�or is it brain power? I�ve been watching debilitating amounts of television�has crippled my writing to the point where everything that comes out of my fingertips and onto the computer screen seems crap at best.

I used to be good at this in the beginning of the school year, back when I loved it. Now though I try to generate excitement and enthusiasm for my writing it seems not for the love but the glory. Always somebody I have to impress, somebody I have to put in the shadows of my talent. I don�t want to be in that position.

People don�t� make me happy-whether it is helping them or dealing with them the great majority in the Earth is terrible. I try to keep an optimistic view about each person I meet but after their characteristics get on my nerves what left is there to do?

What makes me happy then? What? Reading a good book, I guess. Getting a new outfit. Eating. But what makes me giddy, what makes me tremble with anticipation and joy is Greg. Greg and Katherine, but I have grown more accustomed to her absence than that of his. They are my heroin. It is too bad I can�t specialize in careers involving the care of them, I would excel and happily.

So sometimes I believe maybe I should go to UC Davis. Haven�t I lost enough people in this life? Shouldn�t I have the right to latch on to the rare few that have pledged their allegiance to me, that give me the time of day, that love me and bring me all the joy possible in the world? Shouldn�t I? Haven�t I suffered enough? Should I have to give up what I adore most for what�a career? What is a career? This terrific depression of trying to find the right words in front of the cold glow of my computer screen? I would be happy as a shoe salesman if I could go home to my friends at my side.

Then again, I have given up plenty to my friends, what I believed were my friends, and the joy was fleeting, the future uncertain. I attended Piedmont Hills in lieu of a fancy private school. When I think of the courses I could have taken, the courses I got Fs in, the incompetent teachers I had, I wince. On an academic standard, I regret not going there. The friends that I went to PHHS for left me, for the most part, and the people I talk to most now are the ones I never spoke to before freshman year.

But the bounty I�ve received at Piedmont Hills�me and Kathy forged an impenetrable friendship freshman year, one that I would have loathed giving up. Then of course there�s Greg. I doubt I would have found a better man anywhere else. I owe so much to him. He brought up my grades, settled my mind, boosted my self-esteem, brought out the best and the worst in me and gave me the sense to tell the difference.
We all survived the first jump, from childhood to adolescence. Will we survive the second, to the most terrifying world of adulthood? Perhaps I will lose Greg at Davis and I will be left in a college with nothing truly appealing to me. I should go to UCSC, that�s the safe choice. But then again, love, as I�ve told him, is never safe. Maybe I will lose him at UCSC and I�ll be plagued eternally with regret. I suppose I should trust him not to give up despite distances, exams and college life in general. I think I can do that. Trust somebody for once? To not give up on me, to love me? He did it this year for the most part. Maybe I can stop living in constant fear at some point.

I think what it all boils down to is that no-one can be certain what the future will hold. No matter what choice I make there will be consequences, both for better and for worse. Which will give me the greatest benefit; who�s to say? Even the paybacks and punishments for my actions may not come to complete fruition until 10, 20, 50 years down the line. What of The Futile Pursuit of Happiness, by Gertner? Everyone makes decisions in life based on what they hope their emotions will be down the line. But whatever they decide, they will have wished the opposite of later. Happiness is forever evasive, eternally unfaithful. Whatever I choose, I shall regret. Whether it be love or money, whatever brings me happiness now could stab me in the back later. What is happiness but a trap feeding you to eventual sadness?

God, and this is all from deciding which northern Californian college to go to. I should just cap myself in the head.