Nnnnng......... can't... stop... thinking.. about.. Greg! Gawd, I've totally fallen for him. I don't like feel good about this. I don't think it's healthy to like someone this much. I really don't want to, but I can't really help it at the moment. It's not good, because you can really get hurt this way and I'm not looking to getting really hurt because my life sucks enough as it is without getting really hurt. Also, I feel like I'm not in total control of my life when I spend this much time pining over a guy.

I don't know what to do. I'm not supposed to get into any relationships. I told myself I wouldn't. Because with relationships comes dedication, and pain, and breaking up, and complication, and all kinds of nasty shit, so why do I feel compulsed to get into one?

Hmmm. Jhonen's on. I want to talk to that motherfucker. Gawd. Too afraid he'll recognize me or I'll say something idiotic.

Yeah, anyway. I was just lying around today like a stupid turd daydreaming about Greg. I kind of half hate myself for it. Besides, he's Jewish, isn't it against their religion to be with someone who's not? I wish I knew how to spell YAH-MUH-KA. And the last thing I need is a relationship, right?

Before,in my other relationship, I was really into getting touchy-feely and shit, I was just that type of a person, but now that shit really scares me. I don't even know if I could stand slow dancing with someone like Greg. It would be a hundred percent okay with someone like Marcus, or Mike, or a friend but with someone you LIKE? I think I'd just die. I'm really so much shyer. I don't know why. I really kind of did like that hug, or I would have if it hadn't been 2 seconds long and I'd had a chance to let the sensation sink in.

No-one will ever read this.Except me. I'll bet a year from now I'll read this (not even a year, maybe 2 weeks) and I'll go "WHAT AN IDIOT. I HATE MYSELF" And I'll be in a frenzy of angerand delete this entry, because I'll be hating Greg by then, and going 'oh, but he led me on' or 'he broke my heart' or something, and then I will go YOU RETARD and not have the heart to read the rest of the entry. But that will be then and this is now, so I'll go ahead and write down my fantasies. heh heh heh. My future me hates me right about now.

1) WEll my first one is riding in his car with him. I'd just love for him to give me a ride in that thing. I just think that's SOO sexy. We would talk all the way to my apartment and I might even let him in.

1b) The 'B's by the way are why the aforementioned scenario would never go through smoothly.Okay. Because if I were to be left alone with Greg, let alone in his car, I would have a total blank of things to say and it would be a disaster. I'd sound like a moron.

2) Greg would see my apartment. He'd love it. I know he'd love my room. My room is the absolute best, it just needs to be tidied up a little bit. But I know he'd love it.

2b) The whole thing would be totally awkward. Inviting a guy into your house? And not even your house... a little shitty apartment with nothing to do to divert your attention. It's much better to go to a guy's house first. Indeed. MUCH better.

3) I got to go to Greg's house. And... um... I dunno. Hang out? You know what? All of these fantasies would be better if they had his friends in em. YEAH! Like if anyone at all was present in the other situations, like Daniel or Brandon, or anybody (is it Daniel or David?)It would be so much less awkward, and I could actually have confidence and know what to say, that would just be perfect! Like say what would have happened if I'd gone with Greg and his friends to see shaft? Now that's a nice fantasy. That woulda been cool.

3b) Maybe his friends think I'm a loser. And what if I went to his house and his PARENTS are there. I so do not look forward to meeting other people's parents. I don't like them at all, except Em's.

4)Greg asks me to a dance and we dance and have a great time.

4b) No way. I hate dances. They always play gay music. It will be a disaster for sure. THere will be no music I'll like, everyone will be shagging on the dance floor and we'll feel awkward, especially with slow dances. Besides, it's not gonna happen. Greg isn't the dance type. I can just tell.

***irrelevent material: Greg's ancestors were Jews in Russia and had to leave. Another Gregory Gaye, an actor, left russia in the revolution in 1917. Do you think there's a connection? Maybe his parents named him after him? I shall ask.****

5)I really considered going on an actual date with Greg, but I can't picture it no matter how hard i try so this doesn't matter anyway.

I don't know what I should do. I am lusting over him like an animal in heat. There's something wrong with me.

Let's make a list of all the guys that liked me at one point.

Steve

Steve Young

Kenneth

Michael

Daniel K?

Nathan?

Greg....???

Albert

Brian

Cole

I'm really stretching it with Daniel and Nathan, but hey, that's not too bad! And I get the feeling I'm forgetting somebody... hum. It'll come to me one day. Yeah... that really isn't too bad at all. Okay! I remembered that last guy! Brandon! Btw.... Daniel really never liked me. But yes! brandon!