I just got back from Malaysia and shit, I would never have believed it two weeks ago, but I miss the fucking place.

I learned a lot from going back. A lot about family, for one thing. I don't know, I went back expecting to hate all of them, but regardless, I erased all preconcieved notions put in my head from the woman, past experiences, and gossip (excluding Rachel's case) and said, "fuck it, I'm going to enjoy myself, because it's gonna be 2 and a half weeks of pure torture if I don't."

And I cannot believe it. I actually had fun. The first two days or so were torture. I felt like a total outsider. Here was this loving, together family and I was nothing more than a stranger to them. I mean, they see me for a couple weeks every two or three years. I must look like a totally different person every time I show up, and I think I arrive a totally different person every time.

I went thinking, "I'm so going to be this elitist bitch. i'm going to be so much better than all of them, and I'm going to waft my cosmopolitan air up their shit kampung noses." It didn't work out that way. Their kampung noses didn't give a shit what I wafted, the more I stank up the place the shittier it got. They didn't care. Why should they? They saw me as some 15 year old kid from America who likes roti canai, so let's get her some and get the america out of her. So what happened? The unthinkable. I myself recieved somewhat (I didn't really transform all the way) kampung mind. I guess you can take the girl out of the jungle but you can't take the jungle out of the girl. I still remained true to myself and didn't try to turn myself into someone I wasn't, and I'm not a Malay, but more than a few times I caught myself saying "Lah" and expressing a Malaysian tongue. Never did really last more than a few sentences, though. But I had to get down and dirty with the local peddlers! If they thought I was a foreigner, they'd hike up the prices, so I dug out and assaulted them with my "Wah, why so much wan?" s and "Eeto gae cheen?" s

me having matured quite a bit since the last visit did give me a huge advantage. Instead of engaging in brilliant conversations about Diablo 2, (Okay, okay,I did in engage in a couple. Not all of them!!!!)or arguments about art with Rachel and Nick, I found myself talking more wih their parents! Yes, I found myself finding my aunts and my older cousins (25 year old Kenny and 27 year old Su Ling) a lot more fun than those other two. Rachel is already going to college, and she really acts like she's 12. If she doesn't grow up, and fast, she's going to find herself really screwed, really bad. Anyway, we talked about beauty products, guys, the uncles..you know, girl talk. And it felt so good to have girl talk. I mean, girl talk with Kathy is one thing, but to be able to get advice and talk to older women? To have an older woman as a role model? That is so...that is something I never experienced, and it felt SO GOOD. It's just my Dad, and even when I had a mom, it's not like I ever communicated with her. My aunts are so easy to talk to! And they're such gossipy little nuts! Koo Ma kept obsessing about Orlando Bloom nad begged me to send her pics of him! They gave me tons of adivce about makeup and skin products, patched my torn clothing, and... oh god! I really miss them! Koo Ma a lot more than Sam Sam, even though she was really nice to me to (but she's so overly christian! Gawd. she's really orthodox and stric about things, and Koo Ma is just fun.)When Koo Ma patched up my shirt, fallen-hem skirt, and my chaotically holey underpants, I felt like crying! They're tight on money, and she only gave me a few things material wise, but that act was so touching to me. I couldn't believe that she had done that for me. And she was the one who really started making me feel like I belonged in that loving family that I saw. I wish I had her around all the time.

kenny is like a big kid, and even though I did get the impression he was patronizing me sometimes, I think he said stuff to me he would never say to Rachel and Nick. For his Christmas present, I gave him a bunch of flyers from San Francisco, and even a couple of those gay zines thet give you all the hot tranny events and latest clubs and parties. They have plenty of good pics! I saw he hid them in a stash with the rest of his ample-pecced men. A good sign, I think. I mean, the guy was talking to me about porn. Cool. But boy, can he eat. He works out a lot. I know he really wants to come here because he's always eating western food

AAAAAGH!!!! I just ate 4 chocolate mints and I'm supposed to lose at least 15 pounds by valentine's!!! GAH.

Seeing Clifford, Pin, and Auntie Siew Mei was a lot less painful then I thought it'd be, as well. Nobody ages in Malaysia! It's so humid, that they're constantly moistruized, so no-one gets wrinkles. So none of my aunts age! Aunty Siew Mei was so genuinely nice to me, even though I thought for some reason that she'd hate e for breaking her plate so long ago. She even really wated me to stay the night! THey had to leave for SIngapore the day after, so I only got to see them for one day, but it was a good day. New Year's Day. Pin was quieter, and seemed more reserved, but hell I didn't care. She was nice to me.

I remember one moment distinctly in the car, where me, Su Ling, Kenny, Koo Ma, and my Dad were driving to Bintang Walk for New Year's. I sat on the very left seat, Ken sat in the middle, and Su Ling the right. (there was no countdown! Shihooniz!) and I told my Mr. Rabbit and Mr. Bear joke. Everyone laughed so hard, for so long, and Ken nudged me, saying "That was mean!" But he was laughing hard, too, and I said, "I know, I know, I'm sorry!" and we all smiled and laughed together some more. That was one moment where I actually felt like I belonged.

During this Christmas dinner, which had apocolyptic acting and little kids dancing with scarves, (it was a church dinner. and it wasn't really on christmas) Auntie sat down kind of pissed off the whole time, thinking "when the hell is the food gonna come?" and I sat down pissed off with her. and it was then I realized a secret. Ah Foo, his wife, Auntie... none of them believed in god, never had, and they told me, "Only when I'm on my deathbed, only at the last minute! But not now! Now we want to eat!" and it seems irrelevant to you, maybe, but to me it was a big, fat, deal. Becaues here I thought were these strong individuals who were my elders holding strong to what they believed in, and that wasn't god, and they were all s brave and great, but they get that insecurity at the last minute, too. They were scared of death, and they were all so much closer to it than me. And my grandma. All these years, I thought she had truly, truly accepted Jesus into her heart because she really believed. But she accepted him a week before she died because she had given up on the thought of making it. She knew she was going to passs away. And when you were going to pass away, accepting is not nesseccarily an option, it's just the thing to do.

Also, seeing Auntie was great and sad at the same time. She cried a lot, about Koo Chay, and I saw that she was taking Zoloft. Ever-strong Auntie. And I thought, how much behind my relatives have I been missing? How much did I not see because I was an ignorant child, only caring about DOTT? I didn't know any of these people at all. She cried too, when we arrived and when we left. She kept saying to me that she hoped she'd be able to see me again, that she'd stay alive for another 3 years. I assured her she would. She is so nice to me, it's scary. On one hand, she always wants everybody to maintain a healthy weight, on the other, she tries to stuff us full. She had to ask me the same questions 13 times a day, kept asking me whether I wanted something to eat. SOmetimes I'd get annoyed, but no-one really fusses over me any other time, I figured this was all the fussing I was going to get for 3 years and I should just enjoy it, because this was just another way of inadvertently showing love.

It also seemed so weird, because I thought absent mindedly, "was auntie always so short?" she's like, 4' 11''. She looks so small and fragile and the things that come out of her mouth...when you're a child, you know so little. You're left behind, because nobody wants to bother to explain every little thing to you, and maybe sometimes you dont' want to know. You don't have access to so much knowledge. and Auntie felt to me, just like a litle kid. She always seemed one step behind everyone else. She doesn't knw what a DVD is, she asked me what my CD player was twice. What the headphones were, and the comments that come out of her are cute, naive, because she doesn't really know what she's talking about sometimes but her input what she thinks is serious we laugh at. Will that happen to me when I'm old? if I try to keep myself up to date on rock, inventions, will everybody just think I'm a pathetic old crone like in the wedding singer or will they admire me for staying in touch? I think I will, anyway. I don't want to go back to be being a kid when I'm 70. I don't want to be one step behind.

The last day we were in Genting, Rachel did what she did to me the first day I was in Malaysia my last visit. She walked in my room and started talking to me. And I was stunned because I hdan't seen this Rachel since then. Since my last trip. I mean, this was a genuinely nice version of her, that just pops out randomly ever once in a long while. She started talking about drawings, maybe with malicious intents, maybe not. But she seemed pretty nice about it. THis time it only lasted about 5 minutes though, and her Mom called her out. and it was over. I was half relieved, half dissapointed, part... I don't know. I don't really like her still, and we had a kind of touch-and-go relationship the whole time, (especailly the first few days we refused to even look at each other) but somehow things worked out..decent. WE could stand each other. And that's not half bad, for lifelong rivals.

God I miss girl talk! I even told Koo Ma about YHah! I forgot his name! YEss! Oh my god, uh. Nick! Yeah, Nick. And she didn't lecture me or anything! Su Ling and Koo Mah just went Oh my god, laughed, said "he's too old for you honey, laughed, and told me about this cute college guy they knew in the bay area, and did I want to find out about him? God! I want that kind of a relationshiP!!!

Continue this entry later!