Yes, I do realize that lately I have been writing too many journal entries than for waht is healthy, but I've been sitting at my computer alone all day for 12 hours and I think that being bored is justification.

I just went and read a bunch of my diary entries. God, I was so much more interesting before I ran into Greg. I used to talk about all kinds of things. Dreams, questions, thoughts, deep things, I don't know. Now all i can ever talk about is boys, and it's pathetic and disgusting.

Another thing I noticed when reading was that the other day I was being completely delusional and they really weren't fighting over me after all. That whole guy fighting thing? Nuh-uh. No. Ridiculous. My ego really has gotten the best of me. I have to turn it down. In fact, I spent a large chunk of last night turning my ego down. What can I say? I was bored. When I get bored, I tend to think wayyyy too much. Anyway, I started thinking about Oanh. Oanh is really pretty. She's also popular and smart. And I am nothing in comparison, so why does Greg even bother with me? Wait....did I already type this? Shit, I think I did. I'll say it again, anyway, because boredom is my master. He only likes me because he wants to fool around with some chick he doesn't have to worry about commitment with. Oh, yeah, I did say it. Stupid. Well, it's said again. HAH. there. And I bet he finds me amusing! I bet I'm just there to stroke his ego and give him food. I'm like his little toy, his puppet, and he'll throw me a little bit of food, a little scrap of self-esteem now and then to keep my drooling at his heels. And it's really disgusting.

What happened to my homecoming Greg? What happened to the Greg who put his arm around my waist? What happened to the Greg that used to stare at me at football games? What happened to the Greg that used to care?

He took to ignoring me, dancing with other girls and not speaking to me for weeks.

Now, I'm just loser Stephanie who looks like a cro-magnon and is a total pushover. Pushover pushover pushover. That's all I am. And I'm not going to quit it, either. I'll tell myself to, but I'm just going to keep on being his little puppet forever and ever until I'm totally spent and hurt beyond the point of return.

I really do hate myself. I'm supposed to hate him for this, but insead I hate myself. If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, this relationship (which isn't one) isn't healthy.

I'm disgusting.

My concern for putting out the new zine has dwindled to nothing. Thanks, Anna, Dustin. Eyyyyy.

Oh, I know I always used to say, "Look at me, I'm so alternative, I don't care what others think." Bull Shit. Everybody cares about what people think. They can say they don't care as many times as they fucking want. Everybody cares. In fact, the reason people get up in alternative clothing and dress all "different" and such is that they care a whole shitload about what other people think.

I dunno. That's kind of a bad example. I mean, I wear my schoolgirl skirt and all and I still do think in the back of my mind sometimes, "Oh, do I look like a slut?" but nowhere near the first time I wore it, oh, no. Now it's for my own benefit. "Oh, this is cute! Ok, I'm wearing it." So OK, I don't care about what people think sometimes...but... Argh. I can't get my message across without looking like a nincompoop so I'll stop.

my hair is absolutely scary. I was going to cut it today, but... you know. Things happened. DAmmit, that's the only bad thing about being mad with him. I don't have a fucking car. Damn damn damn. I seriously need to cut it. you have n idea... I look like a werewolf.

I also needed to go to hot topic so I could pick up a really cute skirt, because Dana lost my really cute schoolgirl safety pin one. It's all good. She said she'd pay for a new one, I'll hold her by her word.

I just saw this ad for a dating service. It has this lovely woman lounging and the ad says "3 million beautiful singles, one ugly one" what does that MEAN? DOes it mean that lovely woman is ugly? The poor girl! What's wrong with her? Nothing! Are you saying everybody is more beautiful than her? It's a really really shallow approach to dating anyway. It makes me sick.