Ever since Greg broke up with me for a day, I've been really skeptical and rethinking the relationship. Of course, I'm not going to do anything like break up with him, and I keep telling myeslf not to worry. I think that once we get physical again, I'll forget all about it.

BUt I keep thinking, "godgodgod I don't want to be making the same mistake twice. Do I really like this guy, or do I just like him because he likes me?" and then I realize that I liked him for something like 4 months without him liking me at all. But really I wasn't even attracted to him in the first place in the slightest except for his involvement in Comedy Sportz. And then I tried to think of all the qualities he has and I was worrying that the only reason I like him is because he's popular. And then I realized that's not it, I didn't know how popular he was before... and I was really worried. But! I like him now and he likes me and I really shouldn't worry. But THE MAIN thing that worried me is when he broke up with me I didn't cry. I was sort of upset that whole day and I was under this sort of cloud but it was really no big deal. Actually it was no worse than me losing the elections. I think there's something wrong with me.

I'm jaded.

Like.... super jaded. Nothing gets to me anymore. The last time something got to me was....well, okay, the last thing that made me cry hysterically was Thanksgiving-ish last year when Kathy's mom forced me to leave her. But I didn't even cry the last time Kathy left. I felt depressed, yeah, and actually really guilty for not being upest, but... it was just a dull ache, and it went away.

I'm actually getting kind of paranoid that I"m not missing Kathy enough. I probably would miss her a lot more if I didn't have Greg. I feel bad for her because she doesn't have a Greg. I guess she has Gary, but she doesn't even see him too often.

Ok but the last thing that really got to me... the one thing that plunged into my heart and changed me... was when I lost my house. Now that I read my entries I can understand how I was angsty and stupid.. because god, I almost don't know how I survived that time. THe first big hit was the divorce. Then the house. God, I miss my house. I feel worse lately, because I find myself trying to remember specific details about my house, like which cupboard the plates were in, or how the washroom doors opened, and it takes me a second to remember. That's why I took so many pictures of the house before I left. That was the one thing that scared me the most. Forgetting. If there's one thing I cannot.. will not do... I don't want to forget. And the focal point of the house is my room, I guess, but surprisingly, I was talking with Sam about my piano the other day and I almost broke out into tears. I really almost cried. And it surprised me how much I'm still not over that.

To quote American Gods...."Everything else is just on the surface."

Ever since then, me missing shows, grades, everything... I've just taken it all in stride. The second biggest thing, that brought the depression back for a month or so, was kathy of course, and that was kind of a compound thing. When you think about it, about crying.. crying doesn't mean anything. How much you cried doesn't say anything about how sad you were. There are things that hurt... and hurt and hurt and hurt, and go on hurting for so long, and some of those things you will never cry about, or maybe you only had a 5 minute burst when it first happened. But they will go on stabbing you in the heart forever. Some things hurt beyond tears.

I used to look at the things I used to write, the way I used to write, the stupid SW stuff, the obsession over silly little boys and stupid conception of love. And I used to get SO pissed off. I'd just want to kill myself over thinking any of it. But now I kind of envy that self. She was unpopular, sure, she was troubled like hell at home... but she had something I lost. It's better that it's gone. I traded my popularity, my hair, my friends, my entire personality for it.

It was my innocence.

So now, what am I? A shell of what I used to be? I don't know... I think I'm better than what I used to be. But I kind of wish I could feel again. I wish I could be insanely genuinely happy, like I used to be. I don't feel that anymore. I don't feel infinite anymore. Ever. Not like I used to. I even wish that I could be genuinely depressed, angry, scream-at-the-world stab myself in the chest angry, like I used to be. But I can't feel that either. It's like the feelings go inside and they resonate around but I'm still hollow. I feel them, but...they're not intense as I remember. When my Dad got a girlfriend, when I ignored him for a month, when Greg broke up with me, when I heard my Mom's voice on the answering machine again, when Kathy left again, when everything should have fallen apart, but didn't. It was like I was watching it all through a glass. It was a movie. Something to be vaguely sad about, but...

I even used to get really sad when I thought about my Dad, or Kathy or somebody dying. I'd think that I'd cry and scream and scream. And now? Well...it's embarrassing. I don't feel anything.

I think maybe it's because I lost everything that was really, really important to me, and at the same time, everything that I kind of desire I have, and the things that I truly wanted that I can't attain, I have finally accepted. So now it's like as if nothing matters anymore. I can't do anything about whatever's handed to me, so whatever.

So I guess maybe me not feeling much about Greg's thing doesn't mean anything, after all. I mean, it depresses me to think about us breaking up before he goes off to college, anyway, and that's more than I can say about a lot of things. Also, I think I wasn't really that depressed becaues I kind of realized that it was way too sudden and that he'd eventually talk to me again.. I still had some hope. Like right when he asked for my address and did the dull "that's all" sign-off thing, I'd figured that it was truly it and I started to feel pretty shitty, but then things turned out okay.

Who needs a therapist when you've got a diary? I started this entry uncertain, came to a realization and ended it with an answer to my quesiton. Using it, I think I can analyze myself and come to terms with things just fine.