I am amazed and obsessed with the strength and frailty of humans.

Ever since the death of Dustin's grandmother, I've been paranoid about death--both my own and that of everyone else's.

Physio, of course, isn't any good for this. We learn every day several new ways of either dying or becoming incapacitated/severely handicapped. Just the other day Mr. Wong told us about some kid a couple years ago who just up and died in class of an aneurysm. Just like that. So suddenly.

There are so many, many things that can go wrong with your body. Like in Catch 22...Everything's a traitor. Everybody's a possible killer, out to maul you or could kill you unintentionally or something. Even your own body. Every organ and pore is a possible traitor, ready to misfunction one day and just send you falling to the floor in an instant like that kid.

The human body is such a fragile thing.

But the strength in humans is also an amazing feat. Take, for example, Dustin, Ervin, and Brandon. Dustin's grandmother, Brandon's mother, Ervin's brother. All three died and their survivors just went to school and didn't say a word to anyone or give a sign at all, just walking by stoically like nothing had ever happened. THey didn't even take the week off. How could they? If Kathy or Greg died, I don't think I could survive myself, let alone go to school and not show it. I've suffered too many losses as it is.

it's so scary, the one you love most could be here one day and gone the other, regardless of how strong, or rich, or feisty they are. Like how bright and cheerful and strong Brandon's mom was or how determined and smart Dustin's grandmother was. But in the matter it didn't matter at all.

Their strength and their wisdom lives on in their children, i think.Their power in such a difficult time in their lives is like a silent tribute to them, almost. I admire it, but could not for the life of me achieve it. But to whom will I leave my legacy? I'm convinced I won't be able to make it to 25.

My obsession is a morbid one...I'm constantly thinking up new ways I'm going to meet my fate, and every pain or ache is a iminent warning sign.

At night sometimes I just sit there and cry thinking about everybody dead and just so alone and gone forever, and how cold it is. And nobody's even died yet.

It's come to the point where I plan on making invitations to my funeral for all my participants. It's more personal that way, and really cool. Like their own mini-will.

Ill buy cheap You Are INvited cards and:

Dear *Recipient,

You are cordially invited to my funeral on the date attached to this card. I, the living Stephanie Foo, am asking you to join me, the dead Stephanie Foo, in a celebration of what was my life. This extra special effort of me writing this personally will be appreciated by you, I'm sure. I even bought the cards myself. I could have bought really fancy, stylish ones and have you remember me as 'that Stephanie...always so chic," but then again, these say 'that Stephanie...always so thrifty."' You know me and what was my indecisiveness. So I settled on thrifty, because really, it doesn't matter too much what you think of me now that I'm not there to appreciate it and it seemed much more pratical at the time. Anyway, I hope you can come. It'll be a lot of fun, no kidding. I've picked super funny and super cool people for the eulogies so you'll have a ball. And if you don't show up and at least act like I'm totally worth mourning about, I'm going to haunt your ass.

Love,

Stephanie

What also strikes me is, like I've said before, the only time everybody will show up to see you and talk about how great you are is the day you're not there to see it cuz you're dead. And wow, if only people could see their funerals...like Dustin's grandmothers..1000 people went to hers. I could only wish to affect that many people's lives.

So I've also decided to wite eulogies for people. I personally would really love to see a eulogy that somebody would write for me if I was dead, and since I never will be able to see that if I die, I am going to assume that everybody else would like to see this too and so i will write eulogies for them. If I'm lucky, maybe they'll return the favor! I'll bet you anything they'll all say I was crazy.

i am crazy.