foo manchu t o o: hi

Shortguy613: hi

foo manchu t o o: up for chat?

Shortguy613: sure =P

Shortguy613: why?

foo manchu t o o: i dunno, I've just been sitting staring at like the 200 people I have on my buddy list and realizing I don't talk to any of them

Shortguy613: = o

Shortguy613: what's that?

Shortguy613: *why's

foo manchu t o o: it's so depressing how little i talk to people

Shortguy613: nah

Shortguy613: I barely talk to anyone

Shortguy613: maybe you

Shortguy613: and peter

Shortguy613: and er... that's all?

foo manchu t o o: I hate lunches because I just sit around and go "Oooooh, who can I talk to without looking like an idiot?"

foo manchu t o o: nah, you talk to your little asian group, yeah?

Shortguy613: no way

Shortguy613: I'm always quiet

foo manchu t o o: well they're your buds, yeah?

Shortguy613: I don't talk to anyone

Shortguy613: not seriously

Shortguy613: maybe just a yes or no

Shortguy613: sure?

Shortguy613: I really don't feel like talking much anymore

Shortguy613: I don't feel I need it

Shortguy613: eh... sometimes, it isn't so bad being lonely

Shortguy613: I'm only there sometimes because peter is

foo manchu t o o: well, i get lonely

Shortguy613: you can always talk to me

foo manchu t o o: i guess yeah

Shortguy613: unless you didn't want that in the first place =P

foo manchu t o o: wish that somebody invited me to go out sometimes

foo manchu t o o: No, I do

foo manchu t o o: it's just that other people I used to talk to somehow drifted and it feels really bad losing friends you know?

Shortguy613: yeah

Shortguy613: some people just look for happiness where they have it

Shortguy613: eh.. I guess it's different now

Shortguy613: I feel older after what happened to me

Shortguy613: I don't feel like I used to steph

Shortguy613: I don't feel alive anymore... like, I don't need to go out and find something to do anymore

foo manchu t o o: apathy

foo manchu t o o: it's kind of a good thing

Shortguy613: I guess.. all I really want now

Shortguy613: is someone I could feel content with without really needing to say anything at all

Shortguy613: I used to freak about that, remember?

foo manchu t o o: yeah

foo manchu t o o: I know it's really shitty cuz it's like nothing even affects you anymore and though you don't have to feel depressed or sad, on the other hand you can't feel genuinely happy

Shortguy613: But sometimes I am happy

Shortguy613: just not like I used to be

Shortguy613: It's just satisfaction kind of

foo manchu t o o: like, infinite, right?

Shortguy613: yeah...

foo manchu t o o: you don't feet infinite

foo manchu t o o: i get you

foo manchu t o o: *feel

Shortguy613: people think I'm sad

Shortguy613: I just... have a memory

Shortguy613: and I don't feel sadness in it

Shortguy613: it's just lingering there

Shortguy613: and I can't imagine living without that memory

Shortguy613: it pains me sometimes, but it's my heart as well

foo manchu t o o: it is you

foo manchu t o o: or i mean like, part of you now, right?

Shortguy613: none of this would have hit me so hard if she didn't dedicate her life to mine

Shortguy613: she came from vietnam to see me

Shortguy613: to raise me

Shortguy613: she taught me my morals

Shortguy613: and all of that good stuff... yeah

Shortguy613: it's a part of me

foo manchu t o o: she would have died in vietnam without you, if not. Would that have been better?

Shortguy613: I suppose not, but what happened happened

Shortguy613: I really can't explain it

Shortguy613: I'm not sad

Shortguy613: I'm not depressed at all really

Shortguy613: I am hurt sometimes, but I'm glad as well

foo manchu t o o: It has made you stronger

foo manchu t o o: well, things will change in time

Shortguy613: I know, I don't mind too much

Shortguy613: I've kinda turned into a loner

Shortguy613: I don't care really

foo manchu t o o: more and more nowadays I wish that I could just grab two people and run far far away

foo manchu t o o: Don't you?

Shortguy613: Yes

Shortguy613: But I don't ... lust for anyone either

Shortguy613: hah.. promise you won't tell anyone this but

foo manchu t o o: that's my problem

foo manchu t o o: oh?

Shortguy613: for the longest time I haven't had any sexual thoughts at all really

Shortguy613: I don't feel the need for affection, or to be loved either

foo manchu t o o: less of a hassle

Shortguy613: yeah

foo manchu t o o: well i don't know about the loved thing. love is a good thing.

foo manchu t o o: sex is so superficial though

Shortguy613: I don't feel I have it, I don't feel I need it

Shortguy613: same

Shortguy613: It's strange

Shortguy613: at one point in my life, I had thought that love was all you needed to be happy

Shortguy613: with love, I thought you could exist without anything else

Shortguy613: but now, I find that I don't even need that

foo manchu t o o: let me tell you something

Shortguy613: I need friendship more

foo manchu t o o: it comes very close

foo manchu t o o: friendship can be love

foo manchu t o o: like i can safely say I love kathy

foo manchu t o o: that's what i mean

Shortguy613: I know

Shortguy613: I know what you mean

foo manchu t o o: if we have each other, I don't really care where we are or whate we do or anything

Shortguy613: but that love is the ability to give yourselves to eachother as you are and accept that with no regrets

Shortguy613: and find solace in the fact

foo manchu t o o: yes

Shortguy613: I guess it's like that with peter

Shortguy613: for me

Shortguy613: I don't care about anything but that he still accepts me

Shortguy613: because he understands me more than anyone else, you know?

Shortguy613: kind of like you and kathy

foo manchu t o o: yeah

Shortguy613: most of the times now, we just walk side by side just for walking

foo manchu t o o: I have a huge fantasy that me and greg will pull a giant money heist and run to brazil

Shortguy613: he's been feeling kind of detatched from things lately too

Shortguy613: haha

Shortguy613: why's that?

foo manchu t o o: i think if you lived a simpler life, like in the french countryside or in non-city brazil with simple jobs that love would last longer

foo manchu t o o: that love would become less complicated too

foo manchu t o o: maybe i don't want to live a city life

foo manchu t o o: brazil is where all criminals go to hide out

foo manchu t o o: it's safe

Shortguy613: I think it's because of trust

Shortguy613: it's easier to trust without worries

Shortguy613: and in the city there are more worries

Shortguy613: love and affection will only go so far

Shortguy613: trust for eachother will hold the bond constant

foo manchu t o o: yeah

Shortguy613: love seems meaningless to me

foo manchu t o o: oh, no

Shortguy613: romantic love

Shortguy613: for now, perhaps

foo manchu t o o: don't you want to find true love one day?

Shortguy613: I find no appeal in the thought

foo manchu t o o: why not?

foo manchu t o o: lover is very constricting

Shortguy613: I have no desire to let someone down

foo manchu t o o: *love

foo manchu t o o: Love is a terrible thing because when you lose it, the pain is so great, and you must change your life and your time and your whole everything to conform to your love

foo manchu t o o: but then when you feel it, it's so worth it

foo manchu t o o: but it's gonna screw me up good.

Shortguy613: with a friend I feel content to exist

Shortguy613: that is all I need to be

foo manchu t o o: i guess so

foo manchu t o o: it is a form of love so

foo manchu t o o: why not

Shortguy613: it isn't the pain I am afraid of

Shortguy613: To love means to trust someone to undo you

Shortguy613: You know as well as I steph

Shortguy613: when you are with greg, he kills your old identitly slowly, as you do his

Shortguy613: because your own flaws seem to melt away

Shortguy613: but flaws and happiness are a part of you

foo manchu t o o: ey what?

foo manchu t o o: ok, i got you up to the flaws part

foo manchu t o o: sorry, i'm stupider than you

foo manchu t o o: they melt?

Shortguy613: don't you no longer feel worried or upset when you're with him?

Shortguy613: the only problems become greg himself

Shortguy613: if there are any

foo manchu t o o: oh, yeah i guess so

foo manchu t o o: and that problems are a part of me?

foo manchu t o o: ummmm.......I don't feel that I change in that sense

Shortguy613: when you're with him

Shortguy613: do you feel like stephanie

Shortguy613: do you think about the same things when you're walking alone down the street/

Shortguy613: your pain is gone, but don't you feel as if you wish you could die for his?

Shortguy613: I'm afraid of that

Shortguy613: and sometimes, I'm scared I can't do that

Shortguy613: heh.. I still don't make sense?

foo manchu t o o: die for somebody?

Shortguy613: no

Shortguy613: I don't feel as if I can change myself

Shortguy613: well

Shortguy613: I don't feel as if I can have someone change me inside

foo manchu t o o: oh

foo manchu t o o: transcendentalist style shit right here

foo manchu t o o: no changing individuality yeah?

foo manchu t o o: It's not a major thing to me. I don't get turned inside out, I gues. I'm the same old stephanie

Shortguy613: I mean... if he's hurt about something

Shortguy613: don't you wish you could help him?

foo manchu t o o: oh, well yeah

foo manchu t o o: but that is the same for a friend

foo manchu t o o: don't you get depressed when peter is sad about his dad?

Shortguy613: yes

foo manchu t o o: there is really no way you can avoid sympathy in life

foo manchu t o o: so eh, why fight it

Shortguy613: Because I already trust him

Shortguy613: and I don't think I'm ready to give mine to anyone else

Shortguy613: And what I feel guilty about is

foo manchu t o o: well now, no

foo manchu t o o: but eventually

Shortguy613: it wasn't me who gave my trust first

Shortguy613: Peter tried as hard as he could to make me trust him

Shortguy613: because I really was an ass kind of

foo manchu t o o: do you know when college acceptance letters start getting mailed?

Shortguy613: no

foo manchu t o o: ok, back to subject

foo manchu t o o: well it counts now

Shortguy613: he said to me

Shortguy613: when I apologized to him

Shortguy613: for just wanted to be able to hold on to something constant

Shortguy613: *wanting

Shortguy613: which, at the time was my own well being and sense of happiness

Shortguy613: he said to me

Shortguy613: "don't be sorry... you can always hold on to me, I'll always come back for you" ... "I'm glad someone trusts me"

foo manchu t o o: and doesn't that feel amazing?

Shortguy613: and understand that up until that point I really didn't give a damn about anything

Shortguy613: yes, it does

Shortguy613: he doesn't have to say it again

Shortguy613: I know he meant it

foo manchu t o o: that's how it feels

Shortguy613: and I couldn't really say anything back

Shortguy613: except "I'm glad I have someone to trust"

foo manchu t o o: wow what a good friend

Shortguy613: what was happening

Shortguy613: was that I was getting really upset at everyone

Shortguy613: for me not wanting to do things (it was the international fair dance thing)

Shortguy613: and when I finally decided to help they thought it was fun to tell me I wasn't required to be there so I could leave if I wanted

Shortguy613: it's kind of hard to explain the situation

Shortguy613: but eh... I hated feeling really useless

Shortguy613: and then he tried really hard to talk to me after I got home but I wouldn't say anything

foo manchu t o o: i remember that

Shortguy613: nah, this was earlier

Shortguy613: it was this time last year

Shortguy613: well.. I really didn't care too much for what they thought of me

Shortguy613: I felt like leaving

Shortguy613: but he didn't want me to feel useless

Shortguy613: I'm glad for that now

Shortguy613: and well... not too many people would do that again

foo manchu t o o: yeah, i remember

Shortguy613: and I'm afraid to be that person for someone

foo manchu t o o: you were so sad and you told me about it

foo manchu t o o: Why?

foo manchu t o o: I ca't understand....to just help someone

foo manchu t o o: if i was here and i was really sad because something horrible happened to me, wouldn't you try to be there for me and help me feel better?

foo manchu t o o: it's human nature to do that

foo manchu t o o: it's nothing to be scared of

Shortguy613: yes

Shortguy613: but it's hard sometimes

Shortguy613: to admit to someone you care when you haven't done so before

Shortguy613: well

Shortguy613: it's hard for me to give my trust to someone

foo manchu t o o: well you have plenty of time

Shortguy613: and I trust Peter because he trusted me with his feelings

foo manchu t o o: you don't know what twists and turns your life will lead to

foo manchu t o o: You can't say that you just don't want love, ever in your life

foo manchu t o o: you don't know how you will change

Shortguy613: perhaps

Shortguy613: I want something constant

Shortguy613: that's really all

foo manchu t o o: i see

Shortguy613: because too much changes

Shortguy613: and things slip away from me all the time

Shortguy613: especially my life

Shortguy613: my family is never there for me, you know how I feel

Shortguy613: I always come home to an empty house

Shortguy613: I don't know...

Shortguy613: my life never was still enough for me to enjoy it

Shortguy613: so a person I can always know I can trust is really all I need

foo manchu t o o: yeah, my house is sempty now

foo manchu t o o: i'd rather live in an apartment

foo manchu t o o: then it doesn't feel so big and hollow

foo manchu t o o: i miss my apartment

Shortguy613: I've tried to take myself away from the self indulgence I once immersed myself in

foo manchu t o o: ok, too many big words

Shortguy613: I don't even tell anyone when my birthday is anymore

foo manchu t o o: oh ok i get it onw

Shortguy613: I don't like the attention

Shortguy613: I don't like the gifts.. I really don't deserve them

foo manchu t o o: oh shut up!

foo manchu t o o: I know you're gonna say you can't help it or whatever

foo manchu t o o: But stop being so self depreciating

foo manchu t o o: it is just so unhealthy it makes me want to have diahrrea

Shortguy613: nah, I just don't want them

foo manchu t o o: at least don't say yo don't deserve them

Shortguy613: nah, I don't... I don't really interact with anyone

Shortguy613: and I can't help but say that sometimes

Shortguy613: all that was drilled into my head as a kid was that

Shortguy613: "YOU'RE NOT WORTH ANYTHING"

Shortguy613: blah blah

Shortguy613: for a while I overcompensated

Shortguy613: but I don't try to, and the thought is still there I guess

foo manchu t o o: oh please

foo manchu t o o: i had the same childhood

foo manchu t o o: at some point you really just have to tell yourself to get over it.

Shortguy613: Mine is still here

Shortguy613: every single day

foo manchu t o o: Im sorry, I just hate it when you do that because it really needs to go away

foo manchu t o o: It is terribly annoying when people go "yeah I'm undeserving of any attention" or "life sucks because I am a worthless shit" because it's like, no, that's not the way it is, and saying that to me does NOT make you look modest or humble it makes you look DISTURBEd

Shortguy613: I'm not trying to be modest

Shortguy613: or even humble for that matter

Shortguy613: I'll tell you this

foo manchu t o o: it's like a black haired kid who keeps complaining that his hair is red.

Shortguy613: my birthday (was) today

foo manchu t o o: shit

Shortguy613: my mom got me a new computer three days ago because my old one broke

Shortguy613: when my dad found out why she got it

Shortguy613: he took it away

foo manchu t o o: for what

foo manchu t o o: himself?

Shortguy613: no

Shortguy613: because I didn't deserve it

Shortguy613: his own words

foo manchu t o o: that's just cuz your dad is a fucking asshole, dustin

foo manchu t o o: it doesn't mean you have to listen to what he says.

foo manchu t o o: You don't have red hair goddammit

foo manchu t o o: now happy fucking birthday!

foo manchu t o o: eat chocolate

Shortguy613: hah, it was kinda fun

Shortguy613: I err... spent all my money on stuff =P

foo manchu t o o: not Abercrombie again!

Shortguy613: cool unneccesary things that I thought I might want =P

foo manchu t o o: oh, but isn't that the case for everybody

Shortguy613: course not

Shortguy613: I got samurai x, an anime

Shortguy613: and err...

Shortguy613: some things

foo manchu t o o: um ok

Shortguy613: like cds?

Shortguy613: haha

Shortguy613: and err.. I went somewhere with peter

Shortguy613: played magic? haha

Shortguy613: and well, I can't really imagine myself saying

Shortguy613: "Dude I rock"

Shortguy613: "now go buy me some stuff cuz I'm cool and I exist"

foo manchu t o o: gross

foo manchu t o o: but geez

Shortguy613: haha

foo manchu t o o: you are really making me feel selfish

Shortguy613: nah... lots of people care about you and you return the favor

foo manchu t o o: nah!

foo manchu t o o: im glad you had fun

Shortguy613: my dad got mad today

Shortguy613: went paranoid as always

foo manchu t o o: yeah yeah yeah

foo manchu t o o: when he yells at you, stare at him so an extra eyeball pops up on his forehead, or both eyes mold into one cyclops

foo manchu t o o: that's what i did iwth my mom. makes getting yelled at fun

Shortguy613: hah

Shortguy613: ew

Shortguy613: it's late

foo manchu t o o: yea

Shortguy613: I'm going to sleep steph

foo manchu t o o: ok, ttyl!

Shortguy613: bye