fuck organized thought...this entry is just one big rant about my life. Lately it just feels like I'm so fucked up. I think I really do need a therapist. Or even better, i think I need some friends. It seems so shallow to complain "I have no friends" i guess...people say hi to me when I pass them in the halls at the very least. But nobody apparently gives enough of a shit about me to hang out with me at all ever. I'm so ashamed of being constantly alone. I guess it's my fault for hating everyone but it seems like the whole world is just slipping away and I can't grab it no matter how hard I try. Lately I just hate everyone. I hate Lisa and I hate Norissa or...I don't hate them, I guess I just feel like not associating with them. I'm very glad that in this third phase of depression I'm finally learning that going goth is not the answer. Oh my god. Keep the fashion.

I was always kind of whatever but I think things peaked when Brandon didn't tell me about his mother until a week after and I didn't learn about his girlfriend until three weeks after. I mean this is the guy I called my best friend. I told him I loved him. He said he loved me. And he doesn't bother to tell me anything anymore? is it me?

This really isn't fair. I look at Andrea and Christina running around laughing and being best friends and I hate them so much. I envy them.

I want to grow up so bad. My theory is that if I can get out of here and go to college, if I can just grow up and be legal then I can live happily ever after in my trendy circle of smart friends in the city with Kathy and everything will be all right. Is it that easy? Am I being delusional? Or when you get to be a grown-up, do you really get to take control of your life? Do you really get to make the decisions you want to?

Fuck I hate this! I have all these stupid depressed introspective entries and I hate it! It's just that I'm losing people.

Am I selfish? I already have Greg and Kathy. Am I selfish to want to be able to hang out with someone at lunch without long awkward pauses and weird looks that I may be only imagining?

This paranoia has gone too far. I've got that thing where I worry too much..anxiety. My period is one day late and I think I'm pregnant.

I am just so scared all of the time because of this horrible dependency on only two people, plus my dad to keep it all together. three people. What will happen if Kathy, i don't know, a freak accident? Her mom is a bad driver. And a more iminent threat...what if Greg dumps me? What happens next year when he has to go off to college? And say he doesn't go off to college, say he goes to De Anza. What happens the year after that when I go to college? What then? How will I stay safe, if I go to Stanford or something? Yeah right! And what happens the year after that when he quits deAnza and goes to real college? And this is my first real relationship it really isn't realistic to think that it'll just go on forever, right? On the other hand how can I possibly end it when I am so goddamned DEPENDENT?????????

I hate the world so much! The whole big wide world is so horrible and it's just so hard to find people that you like and who like you back and will remain loyal to you.

I am starting to realize that some of those people which I thought I had are not.

I hate the world so much, but I don't want to. I want so badly to believe that there is genuineness out there and love and cliques and fun. But all I can see is the worst in everything. What can I do??? What the hell can I do??