I really hope nobody reads this drivel.

I used to refrain from putting in too many entries cuz it looks nerdy but who relly cares anymore??? Nobody reads this anyway so what have I got to be hiding from. Third one tonight: I can't stop writing.

Dustin and Krystie have both told me "We'll be there for you for ever" but to both I just blew them off, kind of "uhm, thanks. Right sure." Without even thinking of why. It's such a kind and wonderful thing to say, when you're scared about losing everyone to have someone pledge allegiance to you and know that they mean it because they HAVE been with you for years and years and years. So...um...why do I have to not trust them too? Oh I dont' know. Both of them are two of the best people in my life but I don't have huge feelings for either of them at this point, and I don't know why. I should make them a bigger part of my life because obviously they care enough about me to have stayed in it through everything.

I don't mention Kathy here cuz she's a big duh, if you know what I mean. I always think about her immediately when I think about friends to tell problems to, but she's really not the only one. I tell them to Dustin, too. Not so much Krystie. To Krystie I just talk about old perverts I meet in the street and stuff.

ngggggggggg I'm so scared that this isn't ever going to go away. How long have I had this fucked up on again off again depressiveness? As long as I've had a diaryland journal! Like...3 years. I think that's too much already. Look at Kathy. She's had to go through a shitload more than me and you don't see her bitching and moaning and going all crazy and intuitive and like aristotle philosopher like. Maybe she doesn't think as much. Perhaps that is the key to happiness.

Maybe when summer comes and I have my friends and no stress this will go away.

I cry so easily! My eyes are going to get like cataracts by the time I'm 30. Wtf...I'm so sensitive!!! I'm going to get trampled in the real world. I always like to think of myself as this assertive young achiever who's going to make it and can do leadership and all that, and when it comes to business and school, okay, sure, great. But when I go home I cry. I'm like freaking Carrie Wong, or at least according to Greg's descriptions I am.

When Greg IMs me...well, he doesn't. I IM him and he's always busy and rude, then he tells me he's busy leaves me alone and then two hours alter he says "goodnight babe" and thats it. I would complain, but he would never understand.

Oop! I'm crying again. Over something as stupid as that. you see? What is WRONG with me nowadays? I would think it would be PMS or something but it's all the time. But not in the daytime or when I'm around people, and I still have the urge to go out and have fun and stuff, it's just when I am alone late at night when I feel this, so it's not like the other creepy depressions I've had. This is different. I don't believe on getting medicated on Zoloft and Prozac and stuff because it's such a pussy way out of a larger problem. you're not solving anything, you're putting these crappy pills in you...I hate those pills. I would never take them. Or drink.

So good! I won't be like Fitzgerald in my notorious, steady and tragic decline...or COurtney Love or anything for that matter. I won't slowly spend my entire fortune on drugs and alcohol, or wind up a drunkard in a gutter, or waste away my life or become dependent on any object to be consumed. I will be...the person who hangs themself in the bathroom of their penthouse suite and then their body goes unfound for a week and nobody comes to the funeral. Ha, ha, do you notice all the Gatsby references? Well, it's fresh in my mind. WHy can't we ever read any literature that isn't all tragic and sad? It's like as if it isn't good unless it's tragic and sad. I beg to differ! WHy does it have to be corny and cheap just cuz it has a happy ending? There really should be more happy endings. I hate those anti-climactic ones, I hate the ones that go right back to the beginning, and sad ones make me feel like shit. Why can't you bring on more Huckleberry Finns or To Kill A Mockingbirds, for christ's sake? Those are considered like the best books ever and they have happy endings. Jesus.

Wow.....this is some crazy rambling.

it's 1! good god, I have to get to sleep soon.

If I go to sleep now, I'm going to have the worst dreams ever.

Something very bad is happening and it's going to ged worse before it gets better.

Wish me luck.