I just erased my diaryland entry. I do this way too often. GAHDD I haTE IT It's because my dads fucking distracting me nagging his ass of at meNIAShfiOHAOIFHOISAHRPIUSAHFOIAHFD[oiAHDoiHAISODHAOIFShboiFhOIAHDSoiAHS(*REAY)($#

Okay, anyway...so I have to reqrite this all over, and I have to because it's important.

Yesterday I was out with Greg and he bought me pizza and ice cream and we laughed at the asians who were dissaproving of us (though I saw a halfie kid today and couldn't for the life of me see how we two races weren't completely meant for each other). But then after that, in the car, he was complaining about how his parents nag (I CAN SYMPATHIZE: fucking asshole) and how we couldn't wait to get to college. "Never again!" he was saying.

"Yeah, but you're going to visit, right?" I asked.

"As rarely as I can!" he said.

I cannot describe the feeling I felt right then, no matter how hard I try, but it was something like my heart getting digested by my stomach acid and getting stuck in my kidney. As a last ditch resort, I asked, "Well...my tutor's friends went to Davis. They came back every weekend."

"They're stupid." he affirmed.

The rest of the car ride was lonely and sad. I was very quiet and feeling really crappy. We sat on the couch and I was extremely distant. Eventually we went to his room, and he said, "Do you remember when I took you to the airport when you went to Malaysia?"

"Yeah..." I replied.

"Remember when you left? It was so sad..."

"I was only gone for two weeks."

"But it was such a long time. I was so sad."

His tone...

"Remember when you came back? I remember when you saw me, you ran. You ran so far...and you gave me a big hug."

I smiled. "Yeah...I remember."

"And then later, your dad went to go get some soup at a mini mart, and you kissed me."

"I did? I don't remember that. That mini mart thing."

"Well, your dad went to go get some soup or something there, and we were alone in the car and you wanted to kiss me. I said no, because your dad was there, but you did anyway."

And his tone made it sound like it was the most wonderful thing I had ever done. I don't know...it was a tone that every girl wants to have said to her at one point or another. Do you know what I mean? You know how I've said in previous entries how wonderful it is when the guy is so in love with the girl...it was like that. I never know how to express my feelings, but it's a really good one. I always kind of assumed Greg was the cold kind of guy..not like that. Like I was the one getting all the fun out of the relationship and I was just kind of fun for him...pussy and hugs or whatever. But I guess when he said that I felt like he really adored me, and he really was getting something wonderful out of all these experiences...that he actually remembered more than me. Then he started telling me about another time that we did something fun, and asked, "what's your favorite Stephanie and Greg memory?" It was a fun thing he said, but I can't remember it because at that point, tears were flooding my eyes. Just the thought that we wouldnt HAVE any more Stephanie and Greg memories....and then when he asked me that really tipped it. It was like confirming that we would never have another one ever again, you know? It was like asking,"let's reminisce before we part forever." It was the worst worst feeling. it was like a last kiss before you say goodbye. And I started sobbing like a crazy person so hard into him...really crying insanely hard. And he hugged me and begged me not to cry, and he kept saying, "Don't worry...we still have time...we still have time." It made me cry harder when he said that, though, because it was an affirmation that we would end. He would not come back anymore. It would be over. After a couple short months. I was really practically "waaaah waaaah" ing now. "That's not what I want to hear," I said. "I don't want it to be over." and he said in that voice he has when he's sad when he sees me crying, that voice that sounds like flowers and warm laundry and a saint and maybe what God would sound like saying, "hello little lamb...are you lost? Let me help you go home." I know it's a crazy biblical reference or something, but he sounds like that...gentle and like there is nothing in the world that matters more at that moment than me. I love Greg....I love him so much. Can't you see how horrible it would be to lose him forever? And it was so horrible to hear that wonderful voice saying such terrible, terrible things. It reminded me of that first fight we had...terrible. Horrible...crap. When he said that we would have to break up? But he liked me too much. I hugged him and cried into him and he just couldn't let me go. Anyway...he said that we could make new, more memories over the summer...not to worry, or anyway, not to worry yet. It was too early, he said. Not yet. Always not yet. Always that it would come eventually. Yes, the world is going to end, yes, you are going to die in three months, but don't worry about it quite yet. And then I told him the truth, the scary, bad truth. in between these huge wracking sobs, I said, "Why does this world have to be so crappy to me? Why? Why?"

And he asked, "Why is that...come on...no..."

and I said, "Because everybody I've ever cared for, I've lost. Why is that? From Kathy to my mom to my friends to you...everybody. It's not fair. It's just not fair." and I cried more and he said nothing. He just held me. Then I got up and got tissue and after a while the subject went away. He just complimented me a lot after that. I said I was gross cuz I was boogery and teary, and he said "NO. You're never gross. You're beautiful, okay? Don't ever say that. You're always beautiful. Unless you eat gross asian food. Then you look gross."

And all night, cuz I stayed over yet again, he held me and told me how wonderful and cute and special I was and how much he loved holding me in his arms.

And he was nice to me today, too.

Then in the parking lot today, we were walking and he started to do the coon soon dance, and tried to get me to do it. I refused. I was too sad. I said that he was going to make me cry every night for the next 6 months starting tonight. And I refused to do the coon soon dance. He asked why? And I said...no...it's not the same anymore. It's over. Now, "It's over" tends to be the phrase we use when we are trying to break up with each other, "it" being the relationship, so he asked, sounding kind of scared, "What's over?" he asked it too quickly and gave himself away. I said, "the dance," equally quickly, so as not to worry him. And he was like, "whyyyyynoooonot the coon soon dance" but I replied, "Yes...because...i am sad. Because you're never coming back." "No! I'll miss you..." "You won't miss me." "I will too." "You won't. You won't because You're never going to visit me again." and he said, "Who says? I'll visit you." and I said, "No. No...because you said you're never coming back." "well..." "But you should. You should visit me. You could stay the whole weekend at my place. You wouldn't even HAVE to go home. I'd make Joo go out the whole day and fuck his girlfriend." and we laughed about it. It made me feel a little more secure though. That tone he had in the end about visiting. And missing me. I think he will. I think he loves me too much. I think he really does love me. He won't be able to just forget about me and leave me. He said he'll miss his dog and me, and that's it. He's got to come back for me.

He's got to.