proud?

okay, so here's the deal. I leave on Sunday for college and I'm going to be isolated with all my nerdy writer Bellarmine college-prep friends. So, seeing as when I was AWOL for 2 weeks last year and Greg missed me ever-so-much, I thought he'd be spending some time with me before I leave. No such luck. He's been "busy" all week. I hate that, I hate "I'm busy." Always in the same deadpan tone, like as if he's hiding something like fucking his secret swedish girlfriend. Anyway, I have been really pissed off because of course, he's been hanging out with his buddies all week long doing more fooling around than working on their stupid ass mockumentary. I don't really mean that... oh, I'm just fucking pissed you know?

Anyway, I feel that it's unfair for him to just be ignoring me before I go. he's going to have 2 solid weeks to play as many Samoan love games for the sake of his biting-off-of A Mighty Wind thing, and here I am probably going to be succumbing to my rag at any given second.

I've become very bitter over the course of the week amidst confusion and scheduling changes with this boy, and it all came to a raging climax yesterday.

I went to Amy's house to pick up Ben for our fun day out. Joel opened the door and said it was a girl for Neil who asked, then I talked loudly with ben and Amy. I cannot imagine that Greg would not know that I was there. I can imagine him knowing and chosing to ignore me because of his friends, however. Because I know whenever his friends are around (Joel and Neil most specifically) I don't exist. Matt isn't so bad, and the rest of the Comedy Sportz team either. The only reason they dislike me is because I "stalked" them, if being a huge and loyal fan of Comedy Sportz for three years is "stalking," and taking pictures for them to make into flyers and xangas and AIM icons is one hell of a lot better than fucking up the curtain and the future of comedy sportz with pie. God, I totally can't stand it. What the hell is he trying to prove? That he's so much cooler than me? Oh, is that really so great? Come on now! Anyway, so he came out when I'd been there for an hour and was just like "HI!" right after Amy and Joel had been saying to me that they didn't know why Greg had to be so mean. I obviously was totally pissed. Just like Shelley at the other csz show, when she said "I can't believe he's doing this to you!" Ben told me yesterday he thought Greg could really be an asshole, and what else could I do but agree? When other people are telling you what a fuckwad your boyfriend is being and how he treats you like shit, well.

Anyway, I'm also inspired with Daniel. Who FINALLY broke up with Mai because she was treating him more like "an option than a priority." Go Daniel! When I read that on his AIM info the thought that sprung to mind immediately was "am i an option?" I dismissed it at the time but over the course of the week I have come to believe I must not be a priority. You can see my tension building and developing in the AIM convos.

XxJustPlayxX signed on at 5:25:58 PM.

XxJustPlayxX: What day are you leaving?

foomanchu too: sunday.

XxJustPlayxX: cool. then we have late Friday night and then Saturday

foomanchu too: dont you work on saturday.

XxJustPlayxX: no

foomanchu too: wow.

XxJustPlayxX: I know, weird huh?

foomanchu too: seems like a pretty good option.

XxJustPlayxX: Well, let me know before Friday

XxJustPlayxX: Cuz I am going to services Friday night, I could come to your house right after

XxJustPlayxX: I got a 30 minnute thing Saturday, but you could come w me

XxJustPlayxX: or not, its at 1

XxJustPlayxX: its like 20 minnutes away tho

foomanchu too: i dont know what you're talking about

XxJustPlayxX: So...Friday night it is?

foomanchu too: yeah

foomanchu too: i guess

XxJustPlayxX: Ok cool haha

foomanchu too: so saturday is off?

XxJustPlayxX: No

foomanchu too: um ok

XxJustPlayxX: But late Friday night

XxJustPlayxX: into Saturday

foomanchu too: ok

foomanchu too: so your thing saturday, i cannot come with you or I can

XxJustPlayxX: You can, but you dont have to. Youd be bored

XxJustPlayxX: its for the movie

foomanchu too: ok

XxJustPlayxX: its over by El Camino Real

XxJustPlayxX: So we could walk around that weird neighborhood

foomanchu too: ok, i can come

foomanchu too: i wont be bored

foomanchu too: if i broke up with you, would you bother trying to get me back, or would you just be like "eh, whatever"

XxJustPlayxX: You mean like if you dumped me?

XxJustPlayxX: that would be gay

XxJustPlayxX: But that wouldnt happen anyway

foomanchu too: would you?

XxJustPlayxX: Well, depends on waht grounds

foomanchu too: say i said you needed to get your priorities straight

XxJustPlayxX: f you really didnt want to be with me, Id be really sad, but I wouldnt force anything.

XxJustPlayxX: But if you dumped me for something silly, then yeah

foomanchu too: oh, so you wouldn't pull any John Cusacks?

XxJustPlayxX: What?

foomanchu too: okay then

XxJustPlayxX: no

foomanchu too: You know, like when he goes outside and plays music froma jukebox

foomanchu too: really loud over his head

XxJustPlayxX: Oh, no

foomanchu too: and stuff

foomanchu too: aw shit

XxJustPlayxX: haha

XxJustPlayxX: Were you going to dump me just so Id do that?

foomanchu too: no

XxJustPlayxX: Well, I have to go now

foomanchu too: bye.

XxJustPlayxX: bye babe. See you Friday night like about 9 or 10

XxJustPlayxX: muuuuah

XxJustPlayxX signed on at 1:04:31 AM.

foomanchu too: HAH!

XxJustPlayxX: Hey babe!

foomanchu too: you suck!

XxJustPlayxX: I do?

foomanchu too: yeah!

XxJustPlayxX: Whys that?

foomanchu too: cuz you're always so mean!

XxJustPlayxX: No Im not

foomanchu too: I don't know what you're out to prove.

XxJustPlayxX: I said hi and everything to you today, but you seemed really mad at me, so I left you alone

foomanchu too: You waited until I was hanging there for an hour before you said hi

foomanchu too: and don't say you left me alone because of that because whenever your friends are over you always ignore me

XxJustPlayxX: i didnt know you were there

foomanchu too: it's embarrassing. other people are always asking me "Geez stephanie i can't believe he's being so rude to you"

XxJustPlayxX: And we were busy

foomanchu too: busy busy busy

foomanchu too: i know

foomanchu too: you're a very busy man

XxJustPlayxX: but gosh, waht do you want me to do? I didnt know you were there until I saw you at the table, I said "Hi!" and you said "ugh... hi"

foomanchu too: i cant believe it

foomanchu too: and I dont

foomanchu too: i dont believe it

XxJustPlayxX: ok....

Auto response from XxJustPlayxX: i am asleep and will talk to you later.

XxJustPlayxX: haha ok goodnight babe

XxJustPlayxX: :-*

foomanchu too: no, no haha

foomanchu too: i hate it

XxJustPlayxX: Waht?

Auto response from XxJustPlayxX: i am away from my computer now

XxJustPlayxX: You hate the face?

XxJustPlayxX: Ok, goodnight babe 8-)

XxJustPlayxX signed off at 2:06:56 AM.

XxJustPlayxX signed on at 6:36:46 PM.

XxJustPlayxX signed off at 6:36:57 PM.

Of course I was infuritated that he was turning everything into one huge joke. I hate it so much! So he calls tonight and is like "Hi!" "What?" "uhhhh I'm going to be late." "What?" "Like...really late. Like....12. Or 1." "Okay..." "So, um, are we still on?" "Well, you know, I don't really see the point of you coming at 1. It's not like we can hang out or anything, you'll just go to sleep." "Well...um..." "Whatever. I'll talk to you later. Goodbye."

May I note I was in the middle of taking a shower when this phone call took place and I had to run out of it? So I go back in and five minutes later he calls again. I run out of my shower again.

"What?" "Hi." "Hi. What?" "It's Greg." "WHAT?" "Look...I mean... are we still on? I mean...you don't just hang up on me like that..." "I didn't hang up on you. I said Goodbye." "Oh. You did? Um. Sorry. Uh." "WHAT?" "Ok, so I'll see you later." pause. "I'm not a priority you anymore, am I?" "No! No, you are. Look, do you want to know what I'm doing? I'll tell you." "No...no, I really don't." "Okay.." "Okay. I'll see you later. Goodbye."

I stood up and I said something! I stood up for myself!

I guess a relationship can't be all that strong if after two weeks of not really seeing your partner you already imagined someone else making out with you when you're with him, you've hit on two guys over the internet and you've fell asleep lusting over other boys with your vibrator. I guess that's not really healthy but I just don't know what's wrong with me. Ever since BFD I'm on like a hormonal surge. I just want to make out with somebody. I want to cheat. I want to be bad. I want to just fuck the hell out of somebody else besides him.

Is it a lack of action, or is it a lack of love?

I read the yearbook entry I wrote him the day after he left last week. I have to say. While writing it, I felt like as if I was denying every word I put in there, and now I positively hate it and refuse to look at it. It feels like I'm not the same person.

In it I tell him I love him.

Is it possible to go through 8000 metamorphoses every year, and never change a bit?

Anyway, I'm definitely going to have a talk with him when he shows up tonight and he knows it, too. I'm going to tell him that it's crappy what he's been doing to me, and everyone can see it. He can't just ignore me in favor of his friends every single time. Even when I was there, painting his bench, he ignored me in favor of them. That just isn't fair. I've painstakingly gone to every single event he's had. Eagle presentations, shows, games, graduations, everything. And how many tennis games did he visit me at? I'm not saying I didn't enjoy going to them and supporting you with all my heart. I just think I should get something in return. I helped him on how many school assignments, eagle projects, art projects? And he helped me with Crowther how many times when I asked him to? Not one. And every single time he gave me two words. "I'm busy." I hate "I'm busy." It's so dismissive and uncaring. You can't even take the 2 seconds' time to tell me what the hell you're busy doing. Couldn't you just be a little considerate and say, I'm shooting a mockumentary with joel and Neil, do you want to hear about it, it's Samoans who travel to America and play musical instruments, isn't that great? Would that be so hard? How is it you had more time for me in hellmonth of junior year than summer vacation? Anyway the point is I don't think I'm a priority right now. I've become an option. And I'm not breaking up with you like Daniel because I care about fixing it more than just running away from the problem. But I'm just saying, if you think you can take advantage of me because you think I'm not going to take any action or instigate any consequences, think again.

Maybe I do overreact, and maybe I am sensitive. Maybe I am easily hurt and maybe I do overanalyze things. But I love my partner and that's more than anyone can say about you.

arg!

By the way. Me and Ben had a lot of fun. I saw Saved! with Andrea earlier that day, too. and today I went to Japantown with Dustin. I have to say: in his absence, Ive made a bigger effort to go out, socialize and have fun.

And I think it worked.

Anyway, let you know what happened.