I"M OUT
It's OVER! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Pop quizzes, tests, administrators, yelling, screaming, fighting, cussing, late nights, drama, tears, sniffls, sunshine, rain, assholes, losers, gangsters, it's over. Forever. I can't believe this is happening.

My last period of the day was in cava and he sat us all down and gave us a big speech about the rest of our lives. He told us to thank those who brought us to where we are today. He told us to thank our parents, who raised us and burped us and kept us alive. And though he gave many examples of why I should love my father and mother, I couldn't. To me, they're ghosts. To me, they abandoned me. And though he said I shouldn't think so, the one who came to mind when he said this was Greg. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him. I would have killed myself long ago. I was depressed--or worse, emotionless--and he brought me back to life. I was apathetic about everything--school, friends, hell, the clothes on my floor. But he brought me back to life. Everything I've done: my grades, journalism, my thougyhts, my A in Crowther, is because he encouraged me and gave me a reason to do everything I did. It might be hard to believe, but at one point I was angrier than this.

The one other thing that kept me alive was Kathy. Because she went through so much and she helped me keep shit in perspective, and bcause even though she wasn't around just to know that she was there and would always be there made everything okay, all the time, no matter what.

Anyway, after all was said and done everyone was in tears: I was the only dry eye,(cava himself was sobbing) and they all hugged Cava and left, except I stayed behind to ask Cava if he could change my grade. He said no, and as I picked up my books my eyes started to water: "Why? What the fuck? No fair!" But behind me I heard Brandon and Cava totally breaking down and Cava saying, I'm sorry,but remember, they're watching over us, okay? I've been thinking about you Brandon, it's going to be okay, and Brandon was absolutely sobbing (his mother and cava's mother died) and I understood: a B+? OH MY GOD, am I serious, I am worrying about a B+? And I ran over to Brandon and hugged him and we squeaked wet noises into each other and cried for like 2 minutes apologizing and such. I said, "i'm sorry," he said, "I'm sorry too." He said, "It's not just that[his mother]..it was just the whole speech," I said, "I'm just..I'm sorry for.." and he said, "It's okay... I'm sorry..for everything, too. Just for everything, this whole time." And I said, "I love you so much." And he said, "Mefiffff (which might have been 'me too' and I'm sorry; I'm sorry." I think we've been waiting four years to do that. My yearbook entry was perfect and said all I needed to say. Finally. I have closure. I wonder if we're going to be okay now. I hope we're going to be okay.

And then I left, and by the time I got out that door ,my tears were for a very different reason: I SURVIVED. ALL THAT TIME, ALL THAT CRYING, ALL THIS MISERY AND THIS HATRED AND I SURVIVED. I thought for sure I would die there, but tHe worst part of my life was over. I walked around looking for someone to hug so I could cry and exalt with them, but I didn't really see anyone I knew after a couple of minutes walking around so I tried as hard as I could to preserve the moment as I went to my car and threw a bunch of papers up into the air to rejoice and watched them blow away, then Andrea and Becky came to laugh at me and I'm going to a grad party tonight. I drove away blaring "Way Away" and "Work." I'm out.

In other news, I thought a lot of people really hated me but they signed my yearbook saying really nice things without me without me ewven asking so I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I really HAVE been delusional all this time?

In other other news, I quit bath and body to work at Express, and I get a week off. I start next fri.