I'm so slow.

Katherine, apparently, has found a new group. She goes out to AIDS walks, fundraisers, dances, clubs, shows, yoga classes for god's sake with her friends. Everything is grand. She's found an identity. She's found a place.

Greg's met new friends, adjusted to college life. He has all his goals and dreams set out befor ehim, as always, and has a perfectly clear vision of where he wants to be. He never dwells on anything.

My father has a girlfriend /wifey, two beautiful little kids who love their daddy, and a big house to share.

Everyone I know who was ever confused, alone, or estranged along with me has moved on. They've all grown up. They've found their place. They're happy.

They've all moved on. And they've left me here all by myself, same place I'm always been. You'll know where to find me.

Nothing's changed. I'm the strange late bloomer that everyone can coo at now and murmur, "Oh, she's so ANGRY... oh, she's so frightened, misdirected, immature..when WILL she grow up?" Like they've become so much better...and they have.

I don't know what I don't got that everyone else has got, but it's not like I haven't tried. To counter every "I went out to a party tonight" or a concert, or out to dinner, or anything, I've got to try and post something on my stupid cheery little blog or brag on the phone about my party or my outing..which, more often than not now, has become a couple-hour, awkward, miserable time.

ANyone who I converse more than 20 minutes with I immediately assume, "Maybe, maybe this willbe my new best friend!" I only want to be able to go out of the house a few times a week instead of spending all of my days and nights and afternoons at home, watching television and pattering away on my keyboard.

It has come to my attention that people who are so charitable to spend a day with me don't invite me back. There's probably a certain repellant about me, maybe I'm too afraid to break a silence or I'm a criminal or I've not got enough in common with them.

Why all this desperation? My attempts to be hip and cool and show everyone how "I went out today!" How everything was so fun and perfect and beautiful. It's come to the point where I don't even attempt the social interaction for myself anymore. It doesn't do anything for me. I don't particularly like holding parties or anything, or even going, like to Erika Denney's. I went for the sake of everyone else. Not because of me, because I wanted to fool them, prove to everyone that I was moving on, same as them.

I think so far it seems to be working. They seem fooled.

I'm hoping college will be better but I'm nervous. More nervous than anyone else becaue there is no backup plan to this, no friends or family to run and return to if this doesn't work out. This has to work. This has to be perfect. This has to be all I evre hoped for, friends and happiness and love and compaionship or else I'm dead.

In the meantime, you can find me here. Same as always.